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| Yesterday Turmoil - Today Contentment
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When I reflect upon the past, I recall raging emotions of pain and sadness. Sad songs made me cry and made my heart break with feelings of sadness and disconnectedness to the world. I spent my two years in Jr. High School tucked silently away in my lonely little shell. The periods of silence were so long, that when I tried to talk, I could not correctly enunciate words. I talked with a slurrrrrrrrrrrr. I clung to no one and what motivational energy I had was spent playing sports - my saving grace. Although a loner, I participated in team sports like softball and volleyball. I don't know why, but I had no attraction to individual sports. A loner I was, but even back then, I was a team player. I was in band and loved the sensation I received from the harmony of all the instruments. I liked harmonizing. I liked cohesiveness in a group, yet I was a silent loner.
I was the black-sheep of my family in Jr. High School. My parents disapproved of my behavior, which was to simply remain silent. I wasn't into drugs or alcohol. I wasn't breaking any laws, but to my parents, I was without proper conduct. I smoked and that was the worst thing I did back then. I was just so very sad all the time and they just didn't catch on to that. My sadness and torment I believe was both physiological and psychological. I went through puberty in 8th grade and had a menses that lasted 2+ weeks. I had chronic stomach pain, the beginnings of an ulcer. I felt like doom and gloom and moped alot of the time.
When high school started, my behavior changed. I started binging and raiding the refrige in the middle of the night. I started to believe that everyone disliked me, including my family. If I passed people in the hallways whispering or laughing, I thought it was over me. I thought my family hated me and wanted me dead. I was involved in volleyball and softball, and, again, the sports kept my self esteem from bottoming out totally. As I reflect upon those days, I realize the importance of getting children involved in an activity where self-esteem and self-confidence is nourished. I was good in sports, so this fact made me like something about me.
I have endured so many trials and tribulations along the way. I know what it is like to be thrown into the pit and stay there in that dark and cold place. I was a product of child molestation. The perp . . . baby-sitter's husband. I was ganged in Jr. High. I had met adversity at a young age and had no tools to cope. I developed an eating disorder in high school. When I went to college, I tried drinking, but my body lacked the enzyme to metabolize alcohol, thus I took many trips to urgent care. I experimented with marijuana, but I preferred to be alert and more energetic. Marijuana made me lethargic and stupid. So as the years past, the binging turned to starvation and I became a skeleton covered in flesh. I was headed down the road to anorexia, which stopped after I saw a picture of myself. I wasn't delusional, thank God, and so when I saw the thin, sunk-in face and toothpick arms, I knew I was too thin. I started eating again and the weight came back slow. The starvation stopped and the binging did not return and it seemed that the worst days were over for me until several years later.
Throughout college, I started obsessing about my forehead and long English face, and I thought it was my hair style that made me look horrid. Here was the birth of my Body Dysmorphic Disorder and my hair butchering days. I graduated from college and landed a job as an assistant commercial real estate appraiser. I moved up and became an associate commercial real estate appraiser. I did well and made a living as an independent contractor. I still had health issues with my GI tract, to be diagnosed as irritable bowl syndrome - a misdiagnosis. Later on in years, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and uterine fibroids which was the root of all my pain, bloating, and discomfort that was misdiagnosed as IBS. My Body Dysmorphic Disorder was evident in these days but it was, for the most part, still in check until I hit 30 years of age.
In my 30s I had to resort to wearing wigs because I butchered my hair with scissors. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was introduced to antidepressants. I went from Prozac to Zoloft to Celexa. Prozac and Zoloft made me crazy and aggravated my BDD. I was introduced to Celexa and within three days my thick head and feelings of fatigue disappeared. I found a medication that worked for me.
I got out of commercial real estate appraising because the market took a dive. Banks had developed their own software program and turned to in-house commercial appraisals. I went back to school and enrolled in a college of medicine. I graduated as a medical assistant, but I had the calling to do hospice work. The calling was born out of Dad's battle with Sarcoma. He died in 1994 and took his last breath moaning in pain although he was in a coma. He had a tumor in the groin area that grew to the size of a football. His pain was neurological because that nasty tumor had wrapped around Dad's spine. It was a very sad and painful time. Dad was placed in hospice and I had what I call my "hospice experience."
I knew that hospice work was my calling so I was certified as a nurses aide. Once certified, I landed my first hospice job working with terminally ill patients. My spirituality started to develop because I was exposed to death and dying. I had witnessed so many things that created that spiritual spark. Death is an extremely spiritual event and I witnessed that in my patients and their families. It was at this stage of my life where I began to acknowledge the existence of a divine spiritual entity. I still wore wigs and hats during my nursing career for the BDD was active, yet manageable.
This may be off the subject, but when I think back to the tragedy and pain in my life and all the raging emotions and turmoil inside of me, it seems like a dream. Today, I don't have those sad feelings and turmoils anymore. It's all gone. Each day is spent in mostly contentment. Circumstances do not move me to uncontrollable emotion. Granted, I fell out the other day due to sleep deprivation, but that, too, was short lived. I work in an extremely negative prison environment, I work too many hours and get little sleep; yet, here I am today contented. The contentment comes from surrender and faith. I turn it all over now to my faith in God and I am done with it. I move on in contentment. Nothing pressing me down that I can't see my way clear of. No emotional pain exists inside of me. I'm here going through the day in contentment. I live alone, yet I am content. I have really no fears to speak of. For those who are non-christian, forgive me for what I need to say.
God is good! God is awesome! I could not have reached contentment without His grace. Faith as tiny as mustard seed can move mountains. God has moved so many mountains for me. I am in awe.
Tired - I have to feed my yellow lab named Alex. She is an old lady at the ripe age of 12. In human years she's about the same age as my 83- year -old mother. Mom and Alex get along very well.
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Posted by Jesusmyvision on 2007-08-21 08:19:48 | Rating: | Views: 164
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It makes me smile to know that you found such joy. I hope the rest of your life is as beautiful. Best of luck xx
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Posted by Kyra_17
on 2007-08-21 08:31:07
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Ps i personally don;t believe in god but i admire those who find hapiness in faith.
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Posted by Kyra_17
on 2007-08-21 08:32:09
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Hi Kyra:
I have a niece named Kara which is one letter different from yours. She is your age too.
When I was 17, I did not believe in God. My Dad was a scientist, so I believed in the big bang theory and evolution. I didn't start believing until I was 40 years old. I am 49 now and so very blessed. Thank you for your sweetness. This world needs more sweetness like you.
Blessings to you,
Kim
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Posted by Jesusmyvision
on 2007-08-21 09:32:42
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Your story is very touching and I hope that someday i can get to that place again of being at peace.
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Posted by bloggermom24
on 2007-08-22 09:03:40
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