I have had a good four days off and I am gearing up for three days of 16-hour days with four hours of sleep in between. It used to be that I dreaded going to work, and even though things are worse there. I do not feel that impending dread. I still don't like where I work, but I suppose I like the people I work with, each with their good and bad traits. Most of the officers don't like where they are. Low moral is a constant problem. I like to go and make people laugh. Laughing is the cure-all for most things and it certainly gets us through the long hours of heat, humidity, and inmate abuse.
Inmate abuse is most always verbal. Most of the incarcerated are dysfunctional and have not grown outward. They are self-centered and superficial and many complain over the silliest things. For them it's a control issue, and most are all about control, power, and ego. They don't like officers because the officers enforce the rules which places limitations on inmate willl. I endure negative attitudes day after day and it's not uncommon to be called a "bitch." I get that kind of validation everyday where I work from the inmates, but it's expected and, therefore, does not bother me one bit.
The biggest problem I face is the mere fact that I am female on an all-male yard. I get the superficial comments about looks, weight, etc. that superficial men value in women. I also, from time to time, am subjected to lude behavior. Some inmates go as far as exposing themselves. Of course, the majority of the population does not condone this behavior and will often take matters into their own hands. We had an inmate that exposed himself to several of the female officers, including me. The inmates caught wind of it and sent him to the hospital in rescue helicopter. The environment is not a healthy environment for women and, I think, only a select few withstand its challenges.
Displaced anger is another problem and the officers are the brunt of that anger. We have had four staff assaults in the past month and I suspect they were the result of displaced anger. Yes, many of the inmates have anger management issues which they really don't get help for. Many don't want to help themselves and are contented being the screwed-up individuals they are. They flat out don't care about anyone - not even themselves.
So, I go to work and know what I am faced with. It's up to me whether the environment will pull me down or not. So I start from the place I want to be which is being happy, contented, confident, and strong. I can't say that some of the stupid comments that the inmates make about my person doesn't bother me. I may think I shrug it off, but I suspect those comments travel to those places in my mind where those old traditional tapes are stored. I'd like to think I have liberated myself from the superficial values that men place on women, but I know I have not completely severed that particular cord. This is where my recovery work is now focused.
What is it that I can do to block the negative from piercing my soul? My faith is a big part of it. But what is the mind set I need to take in faith to defend against superficiality? I am taught to keep my focus on things above and not on this earth. Things here pass away. There is a hymn, "Be Thou My Vision," that I always find up lifting. Be thou my vision Lord. That is the perspective I need to take to defend against superficiality - to prevent a BDD episode. How do I get to this point where I can view all things of this world from the perspective of Jesus? Faith, for me, is critical for complete recovery. I draw courage and strength from it.
My goal tonight is to keep my focus on things above and to let those little superficial stings bounce off. I know it will be a hot night and a physical one. I no doubt will be the floor officer which means a lot of walking in the heat and humidity. Be thou my vision, Lord. Praise and thanks always.
Hugs to all.
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