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There's a funny thing about change. We tend to resist it. I think we resist it because we are forced to step outside of our comfort zone. If you think about it, we face change everyday of our life, but it is rather subtle. The days and seasons change. The weather changes. Faces of people change when we set foot out in the public. Feelings change. Our thoughts change. We change. These changes are on-going and rather subtle. We are used to them. It is when an unexpexted change comes that puts us on edge and brings the hint of anxiety and insecurity.
When my dog died, it was an unwelcome change and, therefore, difficult. It is still difficult if I let my mind playout those awful moments of the last few seconds of my dog's life. Death is change. But where there is death, there is also a new life brought into this world, where death has made room for this new life. A new life named Shadow runs through my house now, I allowed for change and my loss has been turned into a new kind of joy.
Being a Christian, it is practice for me to put my life and experiences into a spiritual perspective. I got to thinking about transformation, especially the transformation that comes from letting God in and letting Faith take over in my life. I had resisted this kind of change for most of my life and I have to think back and ask myself what was it that prevented me from taking the step outside of me and into God? The answer still escapes me, because having stepped into God, my life, my heart, soul, and mind has undergone a positive transformation. Emptiness, chronic heartache and emotional pain was set free, and in came the rush of joy and the sense of purpose and completeness.
In God, my walk through life is in love and joy. Everything I experience in a day is met with love and acceptance. My vision has expanded and I seem to want to experience everything in my path and encircling it. Where as before, I walked with blinders on - a kind of tunnel vision. It's like walking through a cave, where the view is only in front of and behind me, but nothing to the sides or above/below me. Maybe I thought it was safer to live that way - I mean to live with blinders on. Perhaps it was my way of controlling my environment - a self-protective act. I can't say for sure. All I know is when I dared to take off the blinders by stepping into God, I found nothing horrible or hurtful. On the contrary, I found a kind of love and joy that transcends all.
By removing the blinders, I am able to take in all the abundant blessings that I once overlooked. I can exhale and see the Sparrow in a different joyful and appreciative light. The clouds, flowers, trees all have become so much more vivid and beautiful to me. I look for them now and I see their form and color so much more vividly. With blinders on, my vision was dull and limited. I missed this kind of beauty and appreciation of life. By my stepping into God I was afforded a different way of experiencing life. I was given a new kind of vision. I discovered a new way of loving and appreciating. With blinders on I stayed in me and stayed caught up in the prison of my mind and emotions. I was a prisoner of myself. Once I stripped off those blinders and stepped into God, I no longer was a captive of my mind, my will, by desire to control. By taking off the blinders, I stepped out of the darkness that I created and I stepped into the light that God created.
With blinders on I would not have paid any attention to something I heard while I was inside my house cleaning. Having the front door open, I was able to hear a beautiful song of a bird that seemed so close to my front door. Upon investigation, I discovered a little happy Sparrow perched upon a support beam under my porch. I stood at the door with intrigue as I watched and listened to my feathered entertainer. I felt the spark of joy deep in the core of me surge up into this roaring flame of Spirit. It was one of those moments where I felt like I was going to burst with so much spiritual joy - an outpouring of the spirit. You see, the Sparrow has special meaning for me. T'was the Sparrow in His way that put me back in His way during a very dark period of my life. (See my testimony and witness titled "Survivor of a crime.") Just as the cross has become an emblem of God's love, the Sparrow has become another emblem of His love for me. Had I not taken off those blinders, much of the joy in my life would have been blocked out.
When we face the light, our shadow falls behind us. When our backs are turned away from the light, we are facing our shadow which is cast in front of us.
I have let change take place. My beloved Alex is gone. I dared not to stay in sel-protective fblinders which would have chained me to my feelings of loss. Instead, I moved forward in the light and found the only kind of shadow I know that brings so much joy. She is at my feet sleeping and contented. Yesterday, we went for two walks. We played together. Yesterday, I took Shadow over to Mom's. Shadow and her boyfriend played for hours. When we got home lastnight, we fell asleep on the floor in front of the TV. When I woke up this morning, she was on the couch. She has made herself at home. She is home.
In loving memory of my beloved Alex,
Kim
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