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I am in uni, and it feels like Monday- but in fact it is Wednesday! Brilliant! only 3 days until the weekend again!
Hurrah!
I just had a really hard weekend, with the young church day away (a success!- all credit and praise to GOD for the sunshine!) and then Sunday was our presentation at church about Mozambique. It went well actually, although I only managed to get through it all knowing that I had Monday morning off and then the whole of Tuesday off too. (God is so good to us, He pushed me to my limit at the weekend, because He knew I could handle it- but then gave me a couple of days off.)
I feel on edge a lot of the time. I am so happy that Mike has finally got his assignments in. It is brilliant and I am proud of him.
However, I am really struggling again. I feel like we are living separate lives and that we just accompany each other through the obscurity and meaninglessness of homebuilding and our own personal issues. We haven't been intimate for weeks and when I make an effort- he really isn't interested. I feel so used, like he has what he wants from me and has now discarded me, like he does with a fish and chip packet. Unfortunately for me it is what God has chosen for me and something I guess I just have to live with.
I am yearning for a baby, so so so much. I had a drink with a friend who is 6 months pregnant yesterday, and today I am having coffee with a new mum and her little boy. I want to feel a life inside me; and I want to feel how it feels to have the vitality of knowing that someone loves you and looks to you and wants to be close. I kinda want to know that I am something more than a wife- as this is pretty much rubbish, the most rubbish job. I want to be a mum. I know that it sounds crazy but I would give up anything to be a mum; my career, my house, my friends. I am beginning to wonder if I have made motherhood into a god, and that it is directing my emotions and thoughts more than it should. The trouble is I dont know if this is a calling on my life? or is this a unhealthy obsession in my life.
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Posted by JesusFran on 2008-06-11 03:29:24 | Rating: | Views: 51
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