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A few home truths

I had a good morning this morning. I had a meeting about my research, and also I had a really good psychologist appointment.

I have been talking to sarah about how I have been in the last few weeks. It has been an enlightening experience. I have realised that I have been sabotaging my relationship with Mike. I have realised another reason why I started the whole anorexia journey. I am still there, still doing what I was at the beginning when I was 14- that is nearly a decade ago!!!

Before I stopped eating, my brother and sister moved out of my life really; they went away to university. My dad had a new job, as a headmaster and he was much more busy than ever. My mum was unhappy and often busy and I was in a new house, needing to make new friends. I had a horrid spate of nosebleeds, and my dad took time off work to help me. Once he took me to hospital and when It was unclean and horrid he took me away- and took me to a private hospital, a 6ft feinting teenager.. he picked me up and carried me. When we got home mum fed me jam on toast and cuddled me.

It was really quite good being ill. Then all kinds of wonky things started happening. My granddad had a heart attack, I got bullied and attacked sexually. Anorexia became a good way for me to get attention, even bad attention; with my mum and dad talking to me to make me eat. I got such a good response when i over did my exams, and got full A* grades. The problem was; after a time dad couldn't be with me anymore It was too hard for him when I was that thin, he didn't know what to do so he didn't spend time with me at all. It was the same for the other girls who I wanted to be my friends; they got scared off. Then my dad moved, and it was just me and my mum left. I only spoke to my dad when I had done something good, got a good mark etc.

I don't blame my dad, I have to make that clear. I really don't. I just understand the situation much better than I have before. I wanted something and couldn't ask for it in the right way, and it became a habit- and the reaction that my poor communication provoked in my dad- and also Mike sometimes... perpetuates the problem, as they withdraw from me.

My psychologist has been talking to be about 'esteem' and ' attention'. It isn't wrong to need esteem and attention- but it can be problematic if you look for it in the wrong place, or communicate the need in the wrong way.

My psychologist has been talking about how we have to get a large proportion of our attention and esteem from within, rather from other people. I find this helpful as I see that I can get frustrated and feel lonely, and do 'attention seeking things' when people can't meet the unreal demands that I make of them. I am also having trouble with my husband, because i have this over arching feeling that he is going to leave me. This means that I am constantly wanting him to prove himself to me, which is just tiring, and he is doing his jolly best.