Dear M,

This is the first Sunday since I declared Sunday's will be my day to evaluate my week.  It has only been six days since my last summation.  I only had five entries.  One night I went to sleep and just relaxed.  Well let's get down to business.  Work for the week was an average of 5.2.  And the relationship was an average of 7.2.

Work-   Here is the deal.  I was coming home from work this week and the last few days at work one is really just there.  Their mind is at home and thinking about what they are going to do at the house and not thinking about work fully.  You are there in body but not in mind.  It is hard to give your all when you just aren't into it.  Plus when I got home things have really changed in my mind.  Things aren't the same and they are really uncomfortable so in response to this I really have been falling back into the comfortable circle of existence.  Not really trying to forge ahead.  I am a little scared and uncomfortable in my own, new, home.  My relationship with the people I am so fond of has subtly changed and I don't like it.  It makes me, as I have said, uncomfortable.  So I have not been doing the things I need to at the house when it comes to my job at home, and taking care of myself so that I can perform when I go back to my job.  My new mind sets seem to have changed the dynamic in which everyone sees me in and it is causing a lot of tension between my friends and I and Ragen.  I don't really know, I just feel like I am out of place and also a lot of things people say really bother me now and get to me.  I also seem to be getting angry/perterbed at things really easily now.  I usually embrace my submersion in the company of others, but now I seem to be rejecting it.  I just want to be left alone, including Ragen.  But I have just been alone for three weeks and I don't really want to be away from Ragen.  But I don't feel any closeness with her, just annoyance and animosity.  In all things have really changed to me and I don't know what to do about it.  I did have one bright spot and that is the effort and the attentiveness at which I exuded when I first got home on the day of the move.  Other than that when I was on the rig and when I have not been moving I have been lazy and uncomfortable.  No fun.  Not liking it a bit. 

Relationship-  Things were working well with the distance.  Not so much now.  I just feel animosity between us.  And I am mostly to blame for it.  I have been trying to deal with her neediness, and her constant mood swings in stride but I just seem to be getting annoyed.  I need to talk to her.  That is what is happening.  I need to let her know what I need from her, and then get into therapy.  That is another big thing.  I just talking about this to the computer and that is it.  Things are not like they were and it seems like we are trying to slip back into that mold for comfort.  We have had sex once, and it was uneventful.  Catastrophic really.  Just awkward.  Not the best step.  I haven't showered in like two days cuz we don't have soap or a shower curtain for the bathroom yet, nor do we have room in the bathroom to manuver.  We haven't dealt with anything about our relationship yet since I have been home, and we are acting like we used to.  I need to step up and talk about my feelings about our relationship.  I also need to tell her about thoughts so that she can read what is going on upstairs and I can be with her.  The 7.2 is within the average rate, but I guarentee that the start of this week will not be average.  

Today, I completed, with Ragen, the kitchen unpacking and plan on doing one room a day until the apartment is done.  So, I got things accomplished today, also I played some video games and looked at making a new character for a 1st level campaign in L5R.  I am a nerd, but it makes me happy.  I did not on the other hand work out or walk the dog like I am wanting to start doing.  I might go golfing tomorrow with Jay, so that will knock out some working out but that is tomorrow.  Today I went one for three, which does not come out to atleast a seven, not my best efforts.  But I am moving towards getting things accomplished so not too shabby all in all.  Work-6.  Relationship wise we have stale mated and have gotten no where fast.  Spent some good quality snuggling time on the couch today which I really liked.  Also, worked together to get the kitchen unpacked which rocked.  Working together and halving the load here.  Asked her to treat me with the same respect she askes of me for her, and have spoken up about a lot of things that minumally bother me but atleast I am saying something.  Just not going right though, and something is off between us.  Can't put a whole finger on it yet though, will have to visit that another night.  Relationship-6.  Not quite there yet.  Must do better tomorrow.  Goodnight.