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"Virtue is the celebration of life and of love, the acceptance of others and the desire to grow toward goodness, toward a better place. It is the absence of pride and envy, the willingness to share our joys and to bask in the accomplishments of others. It is above justification because it is what truly lies in each and every heart. If a person does an evil act, then let him weave his mask, but it will not hide the truth, the absolute, from what is naked within his own heart. There is a place within each of us where we cannot hide from the truth, where virtue sits as judge. To admit the truth of our actions is to go before that court, where process is irrelevant. Godd and evil are intents, and intent is without excuse.....I go to that place within my heart as often as I am abe in order to escape the trap of easy justification. It is a painful place, a naked place, but only there might we grow toward goodness; only there, where no mask can justifiy, might we recongnize the truth of our intents, and thus, the truth of our actions. Only there, where virtue sits as judge, are heros born."
-Drizzt Do'Urden
That is the intro into my own journal entry, from which I have not written in a while, and most likely that is to my misfortune. What I am trying to establish here with this entry is the understanding of my own masks that I have been hiding behind for my whole life. It is the attempt to reach that place in my heart where virtue is my judge and my justifications mask nothing. I am trying to metaphorically take my clothes off. The mask I am trying to specifically detach is the one where I am put out to others that I am valiantly trying to do whatever it is that I am trying to do at that time, whether it is trying to change the way I think, or try to read more books, or maybe it is trying to get into a serious work out routine. Whatever the action is this is my modus operandi; I convince myself and the other people involved that I am serious about said action, then I take the begining steps to correct or take these actions. For instance, I went to therapy this last go around with Ragen, or before I started working offshore I off and on started working out, although I talked a big game, and while in college I wanted to expand my knowledge of classic literature. I went out and bought a bunch of classical novels of American literature and read half of one. Now I tell everyone that I have read all those novels that sit on my shelf. I mean I just start shit until I get deep enough for everyone to believe that I have done what I have said and then I back off and not do what I have said and just lie to those around me that I have done those things and I have the intellect to lie about my actions to get others to believe me. Where I fail is eventually my actions back fire and expose my lies like with Ragen recently. I went to therapy up to the point where my therapist felt I had enough tools to manage my own life and said that I should not come to therapy until I need her again, instead of every week. The therapist said that I did not need to come to therapy, that I was not better but was provided enough tools to take charge of my own life and deal with it. From that point on it was all downhill until my actions told Ragen that I had not really changed, nor had I used the tools given to me. I did pay attention to the lessons, and I remember them and have studied them enough to know how to use them, it is just that I chose not to, and that is the main question with this article. Why did I chose not to use the tools given to me to handle myself and my life and my relationship? Why do I stop caring after getting through half of something?
I stop caring after so long of trying something because I feel I have reached the end, or atleast to me it is an end. It is not that I believe I am done, but it is the fact that I believe that I have the foreward thought enough to know how it is going to end so thus I don't have to finish it. If I know how a movie is going to end then it is not necessary for me to finish the movie, I already know what is going to happen. And so it follows that if I can see the end then I don't need to follow it to its logical end, I already know. In life, this might not be the worst concept, and seems to me to be incredibly pretentious, but within the context of my realtionship the outcome I see is the one that I have always seen and it is the one that is the most comfortable, the one that I am the most used to. I go back to myself being priority, to caring about myself, to looking out after myself first and foremost, and only noticing and caring about my own feelings and needs. This spawns Ragen to feel inadequate and sparks everything that I have talked about in all my other blogs on this website. I treat her like crap, then she gets mad at me, then she says she has had enough, then I have to find the inner strength to screw the misery I am feeling, get over myself and then get back to working to win her back over to loving me. I always win her back, things work out for a month, a week, or however long until I need the confidence boost, or something else to look forward to or what ever reason it is that I need fuck everything up......another topic of conversation for a later blog. But this is my MO, this is how I work. This has been the ebb and flow of our relationship for the nine years we have been together. It is not that I am bored, it is that I have been rejected through out my life, by my step mother, my father and currently from Ragen. Rejection is all I know and what I am comfortable with. Mostly it came from my step mother, but the feelings of rejection, how to deal with them, and what I do after these feelings are the steps of life I know the most, and I know how to deal with the best. I already I have the hardest time dealing with feelings and my or anyone's emotions, so if I can keep the feelings and emotions within a realm that I am comfortable with and can predict and explain what is coming up next then that is easier and more comfortable for me the handle. Hell, I can handle that. I know how to handle that. So, in a world in which I am scared of others and my own emotions if I can corral and pigeonhole the vast expanse of emotions into something that I know, am comfortable with and can handle then why not? I know why not, but that is just a saying. And that generalizes to the real world in which I quit things half way through any way. I get excited about something, I get headstrong into it and then realize I am in a world in which i am not comfortable, so I quit it using the justification of being able to see how it is all going to turn out so I don't need to finish and then I go back to what is comfortble, what I know, what I am familiar with. Question is, I am smart enough to already know most of this. Some of this is revelation, but most is just churned up from the dregs of my mind. Here is the question, finally, what do I do about? One can't immerse themselves and deal, one has to slowly introduce these things, which means I won't be fixed for a while which means I am going to keep hurting Ragen until I can handle my own emotions and the emotions of others. Yet another topic of conversation for another blog.
As far as the tools that I have been given to me by my therapist, my father, my mother, and my own intellect, I am still stuck on the comfortable thing for those as well. I don't use them because that means I have to leave behind what is easy and safe. But it feels like there is more there, hell it feels like that answer is easy. I can tell myself for sure that it is not because I don't love Ragen. I think that has been the one steady thing that keeps me through this. I know my actions totally don't prove my love for her. I don't really know anybody who would stop using the tools anyone has given them to revert back to treating their wives like crap. And that is what it is, like crap. I don't emote, I don't consider feelings or thoughts, hell her feelings don't even exist to me at times. The only thing that does exist is my own feelings and considerations. It has gotten to the point where I even feel like these actions aren't normal nor are they comfortable. I don't even want these actions. I don't want to treat her this way, I just don't ....I can't even pull that crap like I don't know how to. I know how to, I know what I am doing and I know how to correct it. Why don't I? Why do I do it for x amount of time and then go right back to my old ways.
I want to be a hero. And according to my intro I have to go to that place in my heart where virtue is the judge more than I currently am. I have to be naked to be free. I have to shed this facade, this mask that I have been wearing my whole life. I know a lot of what I am doing and I know why I do a lot of it. I have started in the right direction and have taken the beginning steps which is my MO. I have fallen from grace again. But I will accept it and dig deeper, apparently that is what I left out or stopped doing. My last entry said I need to keep studying. And that is what I stopped doing, I stopped studying, I stopped trying. I have become complacent, and complacency = losing Ragen.
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