Dear M,

I am entirely not happy with myself leaving you and my posts so that I can keep up with myself and ensure that I keep to my promises to myself.  Other than that, I am back.  I will hold myself to posting while out here because that gives me a three week chance to change the patterns of my life and take a retrospective look at the things I am concerned about and the things that I need to work on to improve myself.  Something that has been on my mind lately is my total lack of ability to communicate.  Ragen and I got into a huge fight because when she wanted empathy and comfort I told her how I felt.  That was the wrong thing at the wrong time.  I just kept telling myself that I had to tell her how I felt because that was apart of what I need to change in my life to help me deal with my emotions.  Well, it backfired because I did not HEAR what she was saying.  That is what bothered me.  I haven't heard what Ragen has said in a long time.  And that is a problem that I can't rap my mind around.  I used to be able to read Ragen, to see through her charades and to see the real her inside and who she wishes to be.  Now, I have become so numb to everything about her, her touch, her thoughts, her voice, her opinion, and the real her.  My belief and my heart tells me that the culprit is resentment.  I have kept everything inside for so long now, and I haven't talked about my heart in so long and I have not said my opinion in so long that I have built up this idea that she is against me.  That it is  me against her and I am losing.  It is a fight against her to allow me to live and because of that I have shut myself out of her life, of being with her.....I mean really with her.  Inside her head, knowing what she means, reading her mind, and knowing what she wants before she wants it.  I have to tell her everything about my mind and what I feel and what I am thinking to clear the air and get us on a clean slate.  I think the clean slate will lead to the receding of the resentment and then maybe I can feel her again in my heart and in my mind.  I have to hurry and leave.  I will continue tomorrow on the same subject.  Sorry, but they are closing this level for cleaning so I have to get to my room soon.  Goodnight, and good job today at work.