Dear M,

This is to talk about my day and my control problems.  These problems stem from my feeling of a lack of control when I was younger with the death of my mother and me imitating what/how my father acted.  I had no outlet for my emotions when I was young and I had no idea how to deal with life up till then so I dealt with my emotions and life like my father, stoically.  I kept strong for everyone else and stored my feelings away.  But ever since then I have acted like my father has and that is to always be in control no matter what.  I learned early how to manipulate situations and people to meet my own needs.  Much like a lawyer, my father always taught me to know the answers to the questions before I asked them.  A form of manipulation, but the worst things I picked up were the subtle manipulation that is termed as passive agressiveness. Another endearing quality I picked up was my martyrdom.  My father is the king of sticking with it and dealing with it because it will pay off in the end, and garnering sympathy and a bit of righteousness from it all.  I can trace back all of these roots mostly to being raised by my father, but what I cannot do is separate myself from my father and his actions.  I am unclear as to what I am to do to break these trends and habits so that I can sustain relationships with people around me at all times.  It is so engrained into my being that I do not even know that I am doing these things to people.  It is only in retrospect that I can fully acknowledge what I am doing.  It is a tough subject to be dealing with especially when I can't be conscious of my actions.  This is were communication has to shine through.  Where people tell me that I am being manipulative.  I mean I did not change the cat boxes because I wanted to foster some sense of control over my life in our relationship causing the cats to pee on our bed.  I went that far as to allow them to soil my own bed just to make a point just like when my father would throw the trash bags in my room when they were full and I would not take them out in a timely fashion.  Clever, and it worked but that is not how you are supposed to treat people.  I guess I can try to be conscious of my actions.  Really focus on what I am doing, why I am doing it and what I can do to make it more open.  The whole assertiveness would really make things different due to me explaining myself and not having to resort to passive agressive actions to make my point or express myself.  I just don't know right now.  I have to sleep on it.

 Today was good, as well as yesterday.  Yesterday better than today though.  Today was the first full day after short change and I am just chemically imbalanced and it makes things hard until I adjust.  When I get into those hormonal moods it is hard to attempt life, so I have to force myself to focus and work.  I did that today but I still had to do it, although I realized it and dealt with it in stride.  Acknowledgment is the first step.  So I say a 6 to 7.  Relationship wise, Ragen has started "kissing," me via the phone at the end of our conversations.  Joy.  So happy that we have gotten to that point.  Although I am wondering about the sex we are talking about.  It seems we will be doing each other a favor in satisfying needs, but I don't know if the intimacy is going to be there yet, so I don't want to soil what sex should be.  Maybe I am just putting it on a pedostal though.  But things have not been pressed other than the occasional thing here and there.  She has emailed her own therapists to start which is great for her.  So a steady 7 it is.  Happy b-day to me yesterday.  Goodnight.