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A dear friend of mine past away 3 years ago,
on my sons birthday April 9.
Now after 3 years I thought It was be easier to handle.
I did so well all day.
Then I watched the Diane Sawyer interview with Randy Pausch.
And I cried, uncontrollably.
Like I just heard the news for the first time.
Dan and I met 10 years ago.
He was married, so was I.
We became great friends. Intimate friends.
(yes, I know it was wrong...but it was what we both needed at the time)
When he told me he loved me..........WHAT that wasn't in the plan.
No emotions he said. But I was already so in Love with him.
He let me know that He was in love with his wife.
He would never leave her.
I accepted that, totally.
I was / am jealous of his marriage.
It's what I want.
Dan was so special.
He challenged me to think, then told me I think to much.
He challenged me to be me.
He helped me grow into the women I am today.
He help me accept compliments. Just say Thank You he would say.
He helped me believe I am lovable and loving
He helped me believe in myself.
He gave me hope that there is real love, UNCONDITIONAL love out there.
He made me laugh.
He held me when I cried.
He was one of the first people I spoke to every day.
We tried to break it off, we knew what was happening wasn't right,
Some how we find ourselves back with each other.
Our relationship lasted until his death.
None of his friend knew about me, only a few of mine did.
I was very selective of who I told.
He told me through out our relationship that if something happened to him,
I would never know. There would be no phone call from his family or friends.
That was so hard to accept.
Except when he died, it was in the line of duty.
He never thought that would happen.
Dan was a police officer.
I found out on the 10 o'clock news.
What a horrible way to find out.
I don't know how I made it though that night.
My best friend by my side.
God, I am so lucky to have a friend like her.
She dropped everything and came over to hold me.
I cried and cried.
The week was a blur.
I wanted so bad to go to the wake, the funeral.
My friend advised me not to.
How do I explain to his wife and daughters who I am?
They never knew of me.
Now three years have past.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him.
Dan was special.
I loved him. I still love him.
Love like that doesn't happen everyday.
I am grateful, I was loved by him.
Instead of saying "I love you" to each other,
we would say DITTO.
The last time I spoke to him we said DITTO to each other.
We were to meet for coffee, I was running late, he picked up an extra shift.
That was April 8th, we agree to meet on the 11th.
On the phone, he said, call me tonight and we'll make plans for Monday.
I said great, go get some sleep (he was working midnites).
Sweet dreams and DITTO.
He last words to me. "DITTO BABE"
I called that night, my calls kept going to voice mail.
Friday nights are always busy for the police.
Only the reason why my call was not being answered, was because he was in the hospital.
Dying.
Saturday morning still no answer, no return call.
I was so busy, with it being my sons birthday, that I didn't watch the news, or read the paper.
Until I receive an email from one of the few people who knew about Dan.
The email was short....Was that your Dan that died last night..........
Huh, no way. WHAT, what did that say.
Shaking, I turned on the TV. Started searching the net.
OMG it's him. It's really him. That's his picture.
NO God please, please don't let it be him.....
He's gone.
I felt my insides ripping out.
I started throwing up.
OMG
How, why, OMG.
I felt it all over again April 9, watching Randy's interview.
Randy reminded me of Dan.
I know how JAI, Randy's wife will feel. My heart goes out to her.
I am blessed to have been loved by Dan.
I am better for knowing him, for loving him.
DITTO DAN, I miss you each and every day.
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Posted by Jeanie on 2008-04-13 00:57:35 | Rating: | Views: 195
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What a story, I am sorry for your loss. I know you don't know me, but I felt compelled to say I am sorry. We can't control who we love and love is something that runs deeper than anyone may know. I am so so sorry. May peace find your heart at times like these when you remember the events that took place.
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Posted by fanniesphilosophy
on 2008-04-13 01:02:54
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Peace be with you. I always say, time heals, the only problem is no one ever said how much time has to pass before your healed.........
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Posted by HarmonyRenae
on 2008-04-13 01:21:20
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If you read " My Story, My Life ". You can guess where I'm coming from. I was " cheated on " but she never loved me from day one. So what happened to you and " Dan " was totally different.
I'm sorry for your loss and hope that with time you will heal as you move on.
Remember, " thats what Dan would have wanted you to do ".
Best of luck, best wishes......templar.
P.S. My name is also Dan.
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Posted by templar_knight
on 2008-04-13 06:36:42
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Jeanie..I cried when I read your story about Dan. I am so sorry that you had this experience. Love is a deep emotion between people and circumstances never binds that love. The fact that he was married, never lessened his love for you.Please let go of the guilt you feel and know that you deserved his love as much as he deserved yours. Circumtances bound his life with his wife, but not his heart. Peace and love to you.
shemelts :)
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Posted by shemelts
on 2008-05-07 06:53:13
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