I found a stupid thing with Soren's name on it. It was a dive cert card in an envelope with Alex's name on it. I found it in an MRE pouch so clearly it was hidden for a reason.  All kinds of things went through my mind haha nothing good obviously. I'm sure there is a rational explaination. Alex always seems to have these odd things happen and I end up feeling rediculous. I was going to torture  myself by looking up pictures of her or looking up pictures from the time they were together and I decided I was going to be stronger and better than that. If I want to change it has to be now. I can't make exceptions. I would just like to be happy that's all.  It was so long ago and Alex and I have now been able to help each other and lean on each other and finally realize we have companionship and we have a partner in each other.  We really care about each other and love each other.  We talked about marriage even...US! Two committment phobe people who have been hurt over and over again and who have hurt each other a lot finally realize we are there.  He said the other day he was "in it to win it" and constantly reminding me that I am stuck with him and that I don't get to break up with him that it was a nonoption. Not in the creepy controlling way I just realized it sounds just in a nice teasing way to let me know he's in this and we're doing this.  He told me the other day that he trusts  me now and doesn't think I am doing any of the sketchy things I was doing before he's just not over all the things that happened in the past yet.  I actually feel the same... I need to stop letting the small things get me down. I need to stop telling mysef what I need and just be.