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I am freakin out and it seems I haven't written anything in a long time so maybe this will help. Things for me are mostly good. Great even, I'm happy with my relatioship and I have a couple of bomb ass new friends and still manage to have a bunch of the old ones. I have reconnected with some family I haven't seen or been in touch with in forever. Work is ok. Not great but ok. I am working out and eating healthy-ish. I got accepted to Umass Boston for the online degree completer program so by next year I will officially have my bachelor's degree. Alex just bought me a Wii which is badass....All good things.... somehow though I am unsettled. I think it's all the tragedy around me.
It has been a very tough year. Tough in both good and bad ways. All the crap I went through with Alex only made me realize what a crappy life I was leading. I wasn't a very good person and if I weren't me I discovered I wouldn't want me in my life. Pretty crazy realization. My self-esteem was low before but this was different. It was a big slap in the face that slapped me into doing something about it instead of making excuses. New ground really. SO I vowed to change in any way I felt would benefit me and be better for those around me as well. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and a lot of growing and changing. It is one of the hardest scariest things I did. On the way things kept happening that I had to deal with in the middle of a new me. And I think the timing of it all has led me to my paraniod neurotic self that I am currently. And the goal is to still keep the new value system but get rid of the paranoia.
Tragedy 1. Tina. Tina is one of my very good friends. She was crazy and fun and nice and giving...great lady really. If anyone needed anything she was there. We always had a blast together. We would hang out at her house sometimes be topless in the pool drinking champagne. Or we'd go to Boondocks or Key West and party like rock stars. When I was down she helped me she talked to me and dried my tears and opened up her couch to me. All the while she was battling her own demons. Demons that I couldn't help her with, When I was single she was my wing man, I tried my best to be hers but guys sorta just fell down at her feet so I mostly was there for moral support and to tell her when her beer goggles were in full swing. About 3 months ago on a Sunday night about 8, Tina was in a horrible car accident and has been in a coma ever since. I knew she was having troubles but I was ass deep in my own shit and there was nothing I could halp her with. She was back into drungsI think pills mostly and obviously there are rumors of other things but I hadn't talked to her as regularly as I would have liked. She stopped working at Parrotdise and got a good bartending job in Key West so we weren't in touch as much anymore. She was drunk and possibly on more when she lost control of her car and hit a tree. She flew out of the car and then hit the tree head on. When they found her the injuries looked fatal. Her whole face was smashed and her eye was out of the socket. The doctor said if she wakes up she'll never see out of that eye again. The least of her worries I'd say. She wasn't wearing her seatbelt. she opened her eyes last week but I'm not sure what that means. I'm not sure it means anything good. Might mean she's a vegetable. I know Tina wouldn't wanna live like that, I hope who ever's hand she lies in knows it too. I am struggling between anger, guilt, and sadness. I am mad at her still, what was she thinking??? Driving fucked up! We all know better than that. I know I shouldn't be so hypocritical I have driven way past my limit, I'm sure a lot of people have. Enter guilt. I feel this way because I lost touch with her and I could have helped her and I could have done something, then I think or worse...I could have been with her.....Ah god. There is nothing that I could have done. And I could have been hurt in the process. I'd like to tell you we lost touch by accident but truthfully I knew we were on different levels. I was trying to mend my relationship and drinking was a large part of my problems in general so I had to cut out a lot of people I was close with to be clean and sober. But the sadness usually wins out I may never talk to my friend again....
Tragedy 2 Nana. The fist person in my family I lost Dad called one day to tell me Nana had cancer. Lung and liver. Six weeks later she was gone. This is a double whammy of guilt, first of we are Irish Catholic, second I fought hard not to come home to see her cuz I couldn't afford not to work and truth be told I wasn't that close to her and my stupid self-riteous step mother was pushing me into it. Calling me five times a day and telling me how much it would mean to my dad, It was stressful and annoying. I finally stopped answering and a 'concerned' Kathleen called my mom. Lucky I have my mom cuz she knew what was going on and KAthleen spouted some stuff about me being scared and she felt my hesitation and couldn't understand why I didn't tell her how I felt blah blah blah(her and my dad found these men and women groups in which they go in the woods and tell each other their feelings ick. They are obviously trying to push this cult on me but I have stayed solid and stood icily by my no's.) Anyway my mom explained I couldn't afford to go see Nana then come back for the funeral so I opted for the funeral. I didn't wanna do that either enter more chest crushing guilt. Nana would've come to mine... anyway. It sucked it was so sad but it was also great. I learned a lot of great stuff about my Nana and I also got to hang out with a side of the family I have sort of avoided for a while... Plus I got to hang otu with my siblings all day which was also amazing. They are all so hilarious (except Molly obviously) but they are actually people now and I can relate to them (except Molly) and we had a blast. It was also great to see my dad and my cousins that I was super close to as a kid but managed to lose touch with altogether, But cancer? really? damn.
This last recent crappy thing isn't a tragedy but it scared me anyhow. My oldest friend got into a car accident. Totaled her car etc. She's fine but it was still scary.
I guess my main problem is some people move through life normally and relatively smoothly. We all get to point when we start losing people etc. But I mean like my parent for example, my mom is 50 and has had you basic difficult but fairly regular life. Don't get me wrong she's been through a lot but at 50 she's healthy and happy. Some people have awful tragedies happen and it totally changes their life. Like Tina, or Colleen etc. I guess I just want to know now what kind of life I'm going to lead. As of right now I am scared of everything, cancer, aids, driving, boating, and being a scared paraniod freak is makign me very depressed. I try to use the thought process of whatever happens happens and so on but it's much easier said then done, tell it to my brain so I can stop fucking thinking. But writing all this I think I figured out the problem and I think all I need is time and a healthy dose of reality.
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Posted by jaylau on 2008-03-14 13:42:10 | Rating: | Views: 53
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