People have high expectations of me when they meet me. They expect me to be perfect but when I tell them how I messed up in 9th grade they act all shock. Like the thought of me messing up or getting in trouble is ridiculous. Im worthless. Its sad that I spend som much time hating almost everything about myself. I sometimes wonder what my parents think  of me when they see the scars on my arm. I wonder if they acknowledge that im still not okay. That I need someone to help me though things I dont understand. The church says God knew us all before we were born. If this is true, why am I so messed up? Why couldnt he make me without the Depression or Anxiety? Why couldnt I have some social skills? Gos probably put me on this Earth as some cruel joke.  Whatever, I shouldnt care about Chritianity anyway. Im not  even Christian. I dont even know if I want to be Wiccan or not. Sometimes I feel like I shold just take the razor blade and glide it across my veins. Sometimes I just want to die. Recently I feel like im slowly losing my mind. I cant seem to concentrate on much of anything anymore. My thoughts keep racing though my head never slowing down for me to examine them. I wonder if I will be 20 years old and still cutting myself. I wonder If I can ever get any better it seems like im only getting worse. I just want to know if I ever did show someone I care about the scars on my arms would they still want to be with me.Today I realized I dont say or write or think about that many happy things. All of my poems so far are extremly sad. I wondre if I read back on what I wrote 4 years from now or sooner if I would be better or worse than I am now.