why do i always have a problem of the day?  i'm doing the dishes, looking out the window at the neighbor mowing her lawn, (with one of those silent, unmotorized cute little mowers that only new englanders would get use out of,) and i'm thinking about a problem.  i could be thinking about how lovely my niece is...or i could be thinking how lucky i am to love my job, my neighborhood, my family...

in all fairness, i am giving thanks for my boyfriend and my friends.  i'm thankful for the ones that have stood the test of time. it's strange that through life we meet and establish ties with people who then disappear from our lives.  that thought of impermanence is producing some melancholy for me.  but then there are those friends that i love and i don't see because they live far away...and because i am terrible at calling.  like kelly, my college roommate who lives in connecticut...and my high school friend, jenny, she's so far away in florida.  i need to be better at keeping in touch. 

about the friend break up from two months ago...it's interesting.  i would never wish a break up on anyone, but it's also so liberating.  i'm free from someone who essentially didn't like me.  there were things i didn't like about her too.  she had a drinking problem, it was stinky messy awful when she got drunk because she repeated herself in a kooky way and acted looney, almost dangerous looney.  i hated that side.  but there was the fun side, when she came over and we hung out and chatted.  but i guess i hadn't been happy with her flakiness lately, she never answered her phone when she was with her boyfriend, but called nonstop when he left...that was no fun.  i couldn't count on her.  the break up occurred because she wigged out on me, told me off, in my house, in front of my boyfriend.  her reason?  she told me that was selfish, that i was late to my birthday and only thought about myself.  she screamed this, and other things, for what seemed like an eternity.  obviously she had repressed a lot of anger, but i'm amazed that it took her so long to voice any anger, and then when it came out it was pure venom.  two days later she sent me a follow up email telling me, again, how selfish i am.  so i had to tell her that she was out of line!  she was in my house screaming at me, no right, no one has the right to be so out of line.  i sent an email basically saying, "with friend like these..."  i regret even having sent an email.  but i don't regret telling someone, someone who has been so repressed and false with me, good bye. (ouch, just writing that makes me feel like a mean person!)

anyway, friend break ups are no fun.   the only reason i'm dwelling on it right now is because this ex friend invited all of my friends to her birthday, and my friends are not going, but they told me.  so it's opened old wounds...but i'm so grateful that my friends are siding with me!  i would have felt like a total loser if they had gone.  they just thought it was odd though...none on them were close to her, they were friends through association.  she has friends that i have no intention of contacting because i feel like it would be awkward due to the circumstances.  anyway, that's why it's so strange that she invited a small group to her birthday, and part of that small group is my circle of friends.

see, isn't this an unpleasant problem of the day?  why do i let things get me down?  i think i have a melancholy personality...most people would probably just brush this off of their shoulders and move on.  or maybe this is something that 'normal' people would occasionally be really sad about too.