Well I decided to make another journal entry today and all the thoughts spinning around in my head suddenly left for parts unknown.  So I'm sitting here TRYING to think of something interesting to put down. Does this ever happen to you ? How do you get past it?

Most of my thoughts are incredibly personal and the very idea of putting them out there for everyone to read really makes me hesitant. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel weak. Weakness in this world will get you in trouble. It's a dog eat dog world and weakness means you loose. Why is it that I have such trust issues ? Could it be because everyone I have know with the exception of one person and stuck a knife in my gut and given a few good twist for good measure where my trust are concern ? Most likely. 

Sometimes I worry that people will think of me badly. I don't think like your normal girl. I think more like a man. Hubbie thinks it's funny to insult me by telling me I'm turning into such a "girl" . Personally I like being a girl. I like the way men look at me when I'm all dolled up ( Ok and lets admit it .......a few pounds lighter ). I don't feel pretty most of the time and hubbie encourages this.  

A few years ago I lost alot of weight. I wasn't thin but I was thinner. I looked good. I could look at myself in the mirror and think " DAMN !  I'D DATE HER! "  I don't feel like that anymore. He told me after I gained some weight back that he was afraid I was going to leave him. He couldn't keep up with me in bed and he was afraid he wouldn't satisfy me. Him and his mom both harrassed me about my "bad" eating habits until I started eating "normally" again.   Now he tells me I'm beautiful, but I don't really believe him. I'm beautiful to him , but he doesn't worry that I will leave him, he doesn't worry that someone else out there just MIGHT want me. To me that isn't comforting. Of course I didn't think of leaving him when I was thinner and I never gave him cause to think so. I guess those are his trust issues. 

Don't get me wrong , I don't want him to worry that I might leave him. But I don't want to think that the only reason he doesn't worry is because he thinks no one else would want me. I guess that's my hang up.  But I don't like to feel unattractive either.  I know, no one can really love me until I learn to love myself. Great speach, doesn't really work.

 So I sit here thinking .........what should I write about. The weather, the critters, the family, anything but me ............but you know what ..........I already did.   :-)