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My emotions have been up and down. I think what is getting to me is that I feel lonely.
When I think I miss him...and I talk to someone else, even my sister I feel better, and I know that it's just lonliness. When you have been with someone and used to doing things with them, or talking to them everyday, it's kinda weird at first when that person isn't around.
I have read books and meditated and done the things I love. I always do feel better with that, and also I play bollywood music throughout my house. For a while I didn't.
It's amazing how absorbed I was with him. Truly.
I have to forgive myself for getting to that point. And sometimes i feel guilty about the whole situation and then I think...maybe we can work it out. Then I am like hey! you can't be with someone due to guilt. That's stupid.
It's funny how conviently certain ppl get off the phone if I mention Sal's name. Thanks for letting me vent guys. And I am not gonna do the unhealthy route of shoving my feelings away. I am dealing with the loss, and I am taking the appropriate steps to recover.
I also realize it's not so much him that I miss, I miss companionship.
I have recently really read up on books about law of attraction and other I guess new age philosophy.
And as much as they say, do this and that. It is too soon for me right now.
I am not gonna lie and pretend that I am super healthy emotionally, and yes while I do wanna get remarried and have the whole family thing, right now there is no way i could be involved with someone.
It's too soon and while I left one whole chaos situation I am not gonna bring my chaos emotions into someone else's life.
I went over my list of what I desire in my version of the perfect spouse. And you know....Sal didn't match a lot of it. He matched some. So in other words, I settled. He was soo sweet that I went along though and I felt a strong connection with him. So I wanted it to be so. Plus I felt that "the one" feeling, which still confuses me. For years I have asked ppl what does that feel like and how do you know? And they would say you just know.
And when i met Sal, I had that feeling. With any of my other ex's I didn't. So for anyone who believes in soul mates or vibrational allignment....I don't get why i felt that.

It is clear to me that if anyone is gonna make an effort to reconcile it would have to be me, he is too deep in his self pity to do anything. Also still so young and do not understand the whole mature way of dealing with things. I don't want to be the only glue to hold things together. I deserve to have a partner who is just as motivated as I am to be with me.

The whole question has been if he is back together with his ex. I wouldn't be surprised. If he is then I can get an annulment and that would cost less...if not then it will be a divorce. I have asked him to give me a call to discuss annulment vs divorce and so far he hasn't called. Such a child!
You would think that he would want to move on and be his ex again. You would think he would want to hurry this up too. I want to get this done and over with. And right now I don't wanna fork over a bunch of money for an attorney and all that.

I want to get to the point where I don't feel sad. I feel sad here and there well bc I feel alone. Bc I wanted companionship and it didn't work out. So I am trying to get to the point where I can be optimistic and really write down what I want, and not settle for anything less. Where I can really truly do this and not feel pain.
I don't know how else to describe it.

On the other hand I am excited about new adventures and such. Meeting new ppl and I want to do that. maybe it's just bc this weekend has been quiet and slow, and thats why I am restless.
Well tomorrow things should be back to normal.
I have looked at various places to volunteer bc I like doing that, for the past few months I didn't, bc my relationship just consumed everything.
Also, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing so with my work, I ended up taking a big loss as well. So financial stress plus this relationship mess....I just snapped.
And as I had predicted...if I wasn;t the steady strong one, he wasn't gonna be the back bone.
He was too busy arguing with his ex about the kids and so on. Or reconciling...who knows.

Posted by JJwTheCrew on 2008-09-01 15:05:12 | Rating: