Today, I finally was assertive and stood up for myself against my ex husband.  We have fought many times before about our son.  My ex has always had this power hungry issue with me.  And I know him and I do not communicate well, and so usually we would just argue senselessly about pointless things.  Just to get the last word.  Today I stayed calm and I spoke to him in a calm tone of voice.  He was raising it at me and kept on saying he is not gonna fight about this.  I sort of giggled and said the only one who is fighting is you.  As usual he made a big deal out of nothing.  He loves playing the martyr role, always the victim and cannot take no for an answer.  I decided not to feed into it.  I simply pointed out that I am here for the best interest of our son.  Not about who is right and who did what over 9 years ago now. 
Most people assume that he left me, for some reason.  I am not sure if it is the stereotype that men leave all the time or what the deal is.  Truth is, I left him.  I was not interested in patching things up or trying.  No one cheated on anyone.  There was nothing he could have said or done differently or myself for that matter.  The honest truth of why I left was because I realized I did not love him.  I cared for him.  I made a mistake as a teenager.  I had sex with him and got pregnant.  we both thought it was the right thing to do to get married.  We had no clue who we were, or the fact that by the time you reach your 20's you are simply not the same person you were in high school.  When you are 17-18 years old and really stubborn and think you know it all, you take no advice from anyone.  You are so sure and confident with what you think you are doing.  So we both learned our lesson the hard way. 
I know that he has been angry with me for many many years, because I left him.  But he got remarried about 3 years after our divorce was finalized.  They have 2 little kids together.  We have had joint custody of our son for about 9 years now.  I used to talk with his wife regularly and we got along well.  I am not sure what happened over the past year or so, but all of a sudden, the bitter angry vibe and hostile words came back. 
At one point I told his wife I cannot remember exactly what him and I used to fight about it was over 9 years ago and we were just kids who refused to know any better.  No one was right and we both have our equal shares of wrongs.  And maybe 7 years ago I resented my ex for being so whiny and needy and clingy and possesive and jealous all the time.  But I let go.   I let go and only thought about what would make our son comfortable. 
My son is now 12.  He is not a little baby anymore, but nor is he an adult.  He is old enough to understand what is going on, but too young for adult responcibility. 
I truly resent the fact that my ex and his wife always make everything into a competition.  Our son decided this school year to switch from playing the saxophone to the french horn.  Guitar was not available for band and he wanted a brass instrument.  I happened to play the french horn in school, and my ex played the saxophone.  Immediately, they both made him feel bad by saying to him that he was picking my side. 
This is not about sides.  If he was to like the same food as my ex I would never dream of saying...you are picking his side.  lol.  In fact, its not surprising to see certain aspects of myself and my ex in our son.  After all we are his biological parents. 
I could go on and on about all the things I resent about them...but you know what?  I am tired of fighting.  I am tired of paddling upstream.  I don't want to battle with them anymore. 
I am happy that I am divorced from him, things have been better since we do not all live in the same house. 
I am happy for my son.  He is such a bundle of joy and has the greatest sense of humor.  I am so proud of him taking advanced classes and getting mostly A's. 
I am sorry that they feel resentment towards me, and anger from years and years ago.  I am sorry they disagree with my life choices, my religious beliefs, and so on.  I hope one day for their own sake they can let it go so that I will not be a worry or concern on their shoulders. 
I hope that our son does not need to hear such things anymore, and that he can always be happy and grow up confident and secure. 
I feel so done with vindictive ppl, or angry ppl.  The ones who are so bitter that they already have permanent frowns built in their face. 
I realize I have made a ton of mistakes in my life, but they happened.  You move on.  You grieve for a bit, feel angry, revengeful and all those other emotions and then with time you begin to pick yourself back up and remember what it was like to feel joy again.  I don't know about anyone else, but I happen to looove joy. 
I used to think one has to strive for joy, but really..one does not.  As soon as one stops hindering joy, it will flow into their life like water.  :)
For myself, my own improvement.  I know I have a bad temper, and I have a way with words that can be quite harsh at times.  Today I managed to be assertive, but not rude.  Standing up for myself without being hostile.  The more I stay calm and simply stay rational about whatever the issue is, the more I realize how ridiculous anger looks, sounds, and feels.  It is about time that I think about myself for a change.  Not in the extreme selfish way, but the the healthy boundary of seeing that I, myself, need harmony too in order to give harmony.  I, myself, deserve to be happy, and so on. 

On that note...I think I will catch up on some sleep.  Until next time.....