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My eyes are open....

As the days passes, it becomes less and less about my soon to be ex. And I think perhaps deep down it never really was about him.
I made a decision today to let go of one of my friends. I have known her for years yes, but she has been a true thorn on my side.
And before, everytime I was ready to cut her off, she would say or do something nice and I would feel guilty.
But now...no more. I have got to start loving myself. I can't stay with ppl due to guilt. At some point I have to put my foot down and realize when someone is not a good influence on me.
It doesn't matter if there are moments where she is nice to me or what not, but it sort of reminds me of being in a bad relationship and staying bc you are scared to leave or he says but i love you and you keep torturing yourself.
I think there are many things that have opened my eyes lately. I think its bc i finally started caring about me.
I have taken care of my son and my pets, and this whole household by myself for almost a decade now. And some where along the lines I forgot about me. And sure I have taken time outs and had quiet time, and even travelled. But the root and core of me didn't think about me. It has always been about everyone else.
I know as a mother you prioritize your kids and that is what is supposed to be done. But can i be the best mom I am capable of if I don;t truly love myself and also take care of me? For me to show health and true love, I need to be healthy and truly love me too.
I have had several talks with this friend of mine and it's good for a while and then its back to the same crap. Passive aggressive comments and just blah. It always reminded me of misery loves company. And the more I become an optimistic happy person, the more I feel rejective towards her.
And I am not saying she needs to be there for everything but she really hasn't. When things have reaaaaally hit the fan, she was no where to be found.
Every man I have dated or been with she claims is like her husband. It's become a joke between me and my other friends. Bc I even made up a guy and said I was dating this person, and she said he sounded like her husband. It's great that she loves him so much and finds him to be the hottest man. I think thats great. But I am not looking for someone like him.
To each their own. I am not saying he's a bad person or anything, he's just not my cup of tea.
In the past 5 years, I have dated a native american man, mexican, indian, white, and mixed races. And every single guy...tall short big build on the skinny side...brown eyes blue eyes green eyes, emotional man to sweet man to kinda of a cold jerk, to a penny pincher...and somehow she still always said I just fell in love with someone like her husband.
When we all went to dinner, Sal, me, and her and her husband....Sal mentioned he likes to drink bud light, and her face lit up and she then said her husband and him had sooo much in common. And she wasn't kidding.
You know...there are tons and tons of men who drink bud light here in the US. lol.
The first few times she did this 5 years ago, I thought she meant it as a compliment, but as the years went on...I began to feel like...she needed to say that in order to feel god about her choice or something.
Anytime I don't see eye to eye with her, she gets mad and finds some way to make me feel like I am nothing bc I think different.
I feel like this relationship is toxic to me.
I know it will be hard to let go and I will probably feel guilty, but in the same way I let go of Sal...well...at some point I have to start self honoring myself. I can't live my life the way others want it to be. Sure I respect ppl, but I need to also be respected. I am not a ball to toss around.
Perhaps Sal came into my life for me to finally open my eyes. perhaps that was part of fate or something so I can finally stop living for everyone else. I give and I give and then I find myself empty at the end of the day bc I had hoped for them to give back to me as well.
Anytime this friend of mine had some major crisis, I was there. 3 am...4 am...8 pm...didn't matter I was there.
But when it was me who needed her....like I said she was no where to be found. My other friends were at my door step before i could say anything.
As a result I have noticed that my resentment for her has been building now for years...and holding a grudge and anger, is only toxins for your internal health.
If i am serious about cleansing myself and serious about finally breaking free from old bad habits and old way of negative thinking, I have to be ready to take the necessary steps.
Other wise it creates conflicting intent.
It feels really good to be able to vent about this and let it go.
I have been searching for answers for years. I have looked for ways to improve my state of mental health. how to get over my rage and depression that i get at times.
I realized that when I finally dealt with my childhood issues, now I had to kinda clean up the mess I attracted to myself due to holding on to my issues.
If that makes sense. lol.
I have let go of judgement...I always knew but truly never learned that when a person judges another...for no reason..it's basically bc something is not right with themselves. Something within them is hindering them from being completely happy, so they feel the need to put down others to feel good. I will be first to admit i have had problems with that and i have been guilty of that.
I have been playing volleyball for the past 2 days with a crowd of ppl I would have never associated with before. Bc i was too busy being judgemental.
And once I let that go, you know...these ppl are nice, funny, and very friendly. I would have missed out on that due to my own judgement and anger.
As I have said before I feel awake now. I don't think I was just sleeping for the time I was with Sal, I think I have been asleep and blind to all the joyous things for a very very long time.
Every day I stretch more and wake up more, and i just know that soon I will be wide awake and perky and ready to go. It get's like that with each day.
I don't feel the need to have everything completely 100% controlled either. I am not saying im gonna be sloppy but I don't need to be controlling everything. Some times life just happens and you go with the flow.
I noticed the more I tried to control the more and more it was taxing my health and the more I pushed ppl away.
Anger, control, judgement, and other negative things cannot live in a healthy happy body. It's gotta move on. I guess like a roach...lol it doesn't want to be in a clean house...it likes the messy dirty house.
I want to be a clean house. I want to be happy and spread that happiness around me.
:)

Posted by JJwTheCrew on 2008-09-04 22:19:50 | Rating: