Here I am again, writing. It may seem like I have talked about some negative things on here. However, for me I have to let it out somehow. Vent, and then let it go. I used to just hold all the frustrations and then one day just EXPLODE. So now, in a healthy manner I vent about it in a blog/diary/journal whatever you wanna call it, and then its off my mind.

For me, what works the best to rid of negativity is to let it out. Then get back on the positive vibration. Re allign myself back on the positive frequency. This morning I had parent teacher conference, and had to se my ex first thing in the morning. I began geting irritated with him because all he could focus on was the one and only C that my son has. It was like he blew off the A's in the advanced classes my son is taking. My son's teachers had nothing but praises for him and kept complimenting him how smart he is. The reason for his C was because he missed the science labs and had a hard time making them up. He was sick last month for 4 days straight. That is what hurt his grade. It was not because he slacked off. I think it is important to show kids that you see the good things they have done, and only pay attention to the "bad" things. And to me a C is not horrible. I would have understood my ex if it had been a D or F of course.

I really dislike even calling my ex husband my ex husband. When I was married to him, I feel like it shouldn't even count. We were just kids. We were 18 and got married because I got pregnant. The reason why we started dating was because he had a metalica shirt on and I had long hair. Yeah, typical young teen age reasons to date. It got out of control basically when I was pregnant. Both of us being so stubborn we thought we could make it by playing house. Basing only ideas and opinions on movies we had seen lol. I, myself, will be the first to admit i had the total mentality of "it can't happen to me" I was completely shocked when I found out I was pregnant. And yes we used a condom every time, and none of them broke.

Who we are now, could not be anymore different. He is completely conservative from what I can tell. I will not even pretend to act like I know him anymore. I knew him when he was a kid, and he knew me when I was a kid. I have long ago forgiven him for all the childish hurtful things he has said and done to me, and I have forgiven myself for the things I did to him. Everyone thought I was evil when I left him. I was 21. I tried to explain to him that neither one of us loved each other, we weren't even friends anymore. We were just in love with the idea of being married and living in a house and having a baby. We grew apart pretty quickly. Now, I feel like saying this is what can happen when you are a stubborn teen who thinks he/she knows its all, and refuses to listen to parents. Lesson learned the hard way, sure it was. Ppl also ask me if I would go back and do things differently. I would not change or give up my son. That is all I can say.

The other thing is, just because i am not remarried like my ex. I have been hounded with, if I ever regret leaving him. The answer is no. I have not once had that thought cross my mind. As mean as it sounds, everytime someone would ask me that question, I would feel ill. My stomach would turn. When he calls to talk about something regarding my son, sometimes just his voice makes me ill. I know it sounds so mean, but I am being honest. His wife, whom I will call Cassie, has made comments like, if she had never been in the picture I would still be married to my ex. I have explained to her over and over and over and over and then over again, that her being married to him 2 years after the divorce, has nothing to do with me leaving. I was happy when I found out he was getting married. I praised God. I left because I did not love him, we weren't even friends, we were miserable, and only hurting each other, and limiting ourselves, creating an unhealthy environment for my son. After many attempts at marriage counceling and everything, I made the first move and moved out. We agreed on joint custody. I was not about to prevent my son from seeing his dad. This was not a case of abuse or my ex being some horrible person. So despite how I felt about him, I was not going to take my son from him. I knew my son loved his dad. One huge mistake many divorced couples make is they try and make the kids feel guilty for loving both parents. I may have made my fair share of mistakes but that is one that I have not done.

My parents got divorced when I was 13 and my sister and I were stuck in a tug of war. It sucked. At least I knew what not to do as far as that went, because i did not want my son to go through the same. Cassie on the other hand, is still stuck in the 1800's, using terms like broken home. I used to actually like her until I realized I was being fooled. Her true nature came out over time, we would spend hours on the phone and talk like gf's. I really cared about her and was thankful for the fact that she was always nice and caring to my son. Little by little, I began to see there was a bitter streak to her. At first, I felt betrayed and angry. Now I only feel sorry for her. She is not a happy person. All the times she was nice to my face it was fake. I used to blame my ex for the whole tug of war, until I realized it was not him saying it causing my son to worry, it was her. Even last week, my son changed musical instruments from saxophone to french horn. He was excited at first and then he told me that Cassie said that he was taking his moms side and betraying his dad. My ex played the saxophone in high school, and I played the french horn. She also begged my son not to tell me or his dad. My son is now 12, he is not 5 or 7 when they are too scared to say anything or just don't know any better. I have tried to talk to her and "fix" it, but then I realized my son see's the truth and there is nothing I can do. She dug a hole for herself basically. It is not my problem if he grows up to be angry at her for her manipulation.

After al these years, she still see's me as a threat. She has been married longer to my ex then him and I were ever together. Including the years we dated in highschool. We never once talked about reconciling, we never tried to get back together and I have certainly never ever remotely even hinted that I desired that. I, also started to notice the passive aggressive comments she was making about my appearance. I blew them off because it was just not worth fighting about. I am sorry she feels that way but I am not sorry for how I look. I have worked my butt off going to gym to have the figure I have...and that is that. She also freaked out over my decorations in my house. I had my wisdom teeth pulled and she came over to check on me, and that was the first time she had been in my house for years. I have quite a bit of asian decor and antiques. Cloth paintings I have collected, statues, and such. Various deities, such as Lakshmi, Shiva, Buddha, Green Tara, Ganesh..and so on. She did not ask me about them, but she asked my son. On that issue I confronted her and told her there was no reason to drag my son into a battle of home decor taste. I know she is a hard core Christian. To each their own. I am one to believe in being spiritual. I used to be Christian, and I know there are some Christians who firmly believe that any art work from a different culture is from the devil. I do not agree with that. I made a joke to her which she did not find to be funny. Well, it was more like sarcasm...I said yes it is so odd for me to have asian art in my home..after all I am only half JAPANESE. lolol. I thought it was funny.

I wish her and my ex well..I always have. I hope that one day she will find true happiness and not feel so bitter, for herself. Not just for my son's sake but for her own sake and her own childrens sake. And for the sake of her marriage as well.

When a person is negative, all they are doing is creating more negativity for themselves. Wishing harm upon another is inviting harm upon yourself. When I was reading about the Law of Attraction and how it works and the whole 9 yards. The thing that puzzled me was when bad things happen. Everything else in those books sounded very reasonable, but I was confused. I looked at my own life and began wondering how I had attracted certain incidents into my life. The real bad ones. Talk about being brutally honest with yourself. Anywhere from jealous thoughts, to angry thoughts, to wishing harm on others, revenge, and so on. I laughed at one of them...this was not a serious incident, but when I came home super late or early morning I should say, I fell asleep at the wheel. I hit the gard rail. Only the bumper on my vehicle suffered. I was fine, I was shook up but fine lol. The funny part was that as I was trying to smack myself and drink energy drinks to stay awake, I kept telling myself...if I don't wake up soon I will end up crashing. And that is exactly what took place.

Now before anyone gets upset or starts telling me about some horrible thing that happened to them, I am only speaking about my own experience here. I cannot speak for you or groups of ppl...like my previous entry...I would not even attempt to explain how or why the Native Americans suffer. It is not my place to say that they attracted it or not. I cannot explain fully why there are kids starving in Africa as far as the theory of Law of Attraction goes. I have read many different views, such as karma from past lives to attracting it before being born and so on. I, myself, am puzzled about how or if I even attracted being abused as a kid, verbally, physically, and sexually. I am only talking about the incidents in my life I have had a choice over.

Like...hating on your co worker and wishing them to get fired and then you turn around and you are fired..lol. That's the kind of stuff I am talking about.

Alright, I have sat here long enough, I have to get ready now to take my son to a banquet for his wrestling team. Until next time...