I'm afraid of ever saying I had a moment of feeling alone.  Because when I express that then the next thing I know, I have ppl giving me dating tips or setting me u on blind dates.  I am afraid to really say anything when it comes to my own feelings, before someone throw it back in my face.  I wish that I could just be me without anyone thinking its an open invitation to give me unsolicited advice when I just want to talk about how I feel. 
The last time I said anything about feeling alone, I got the whole "you need a man".  I was too drained of energy to even say anything back.  I have explained myself a million times and I am just soo over explaining it. 
It's strange when I am single, all everyone wants to do is hook me up with some random guy they know, and when it doesn't work out, then the woman is considered to be tha naive stupid one. 
If I am a bit on guard or not really feeling the chemistry then I am considered to be judgemental and too cold and bitter.  When i am optimistic and happy and just let everything go day by day, then I am naive and have my hopes too high.  So I know as a woman we just cannot win. 
I have tried to explain to Brien also about how I feel.  He tries to tell me that whatever it is that I desire, he will do it. 
When he says that he just makes me feel even more alone.  It doesn't make me feel better. 
I am not Brien's priority.  His bf German is.  So telling me that he will get me grape fruit juice when I have a fever at 3 am in the morning, makes me just realize that I rely on a friend, not a spouse to help me.  
It's hard to explain.  But even so if I have my moments of being lonely, it still doesn't mean I will settle for any guy. 
I am just not that way. 
I truly wonder if I have ever really loved a man.  I think I have.  I have really felt like it and have had some hard break ups, but yet i wonder, was I truly truly in love? 

It's funny how everyone..and i mean everyone assumes that when I say i am divorced that my ex husband took off on me.  It's humerous to think about how old fashioned ppl are with thinking.  I never loved my ex husband, I don't even think it should count as a marriage.  I almost wanna say I was never married.  We were kids.  we were 18 years old, playing house.  I never loved my ex, that I am certain.  I think we just had that co dependancy thing going on..since we were just kids. 
When i left him, I know he went a little crazy for a while.  I guess we all get a little crazy sometimes...problem is he is still crazy and weird lol. 


The weird thing was, a few weeks ago my ex bf contacted me.  The one who was married and I didn't know he was married, until I found out he had a pregnant wife at home...yeah that was fun..not.  Anyway, he contacted me for whatever reason.  He reminded me of how much I cannot stand men lol. 
How much I hate cheaters...and how mad I was when I told his wife and she didn't believe me.  I will never forget how sick I felt when I found out about all this. 

Oh well....I am thankful I am not in that boat. 

So, I had a me evening tonight, it was soooo nice.  But with mood swings and all I got sad.  I really didn't feel like talking to anyone bc like I said, if I say anything..then everyone is whipping out their planners with names and numbers, and also they give me dating tips.  God...dating tips are the dumbest things ever.  I am who I am and that is that, and if men can't handle it then so be it, I rather be alone than to be someone I am not. 
I do not need a list to tell me what I can or cannot ask on a first date.  I remember one of my friends showed me a list that said do not talk about politics religion on a first date.  Aummm to me thats kinda important.  And I will talk about if I want to. 
so there.