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we make it... complicated..

If we try to prove to God how much we love Him, it is a sure sign that we do not love Him. The evidence of our love for Him is the absolute spontaneity of our love, it comes naturally.-Oswald Chambers

The air between us is still. motionless. quiet. the line on the other end is disconnected. i begin to recap the words we have just exchanged. they are pure. a heart, in desparation, of answers. If only life came with a pocket sized book full of answers..or maybe directions..and a well diagramed map.

I think about the lord. how he saved me. how far he has dragged me! honestly. he has had to drag me. not that i wasn't willing. i just..didn't know how. but i trusted in him. and he has guided me. Kind of like that trust game. where you have to fall back into the persons arms, completely relying on them to break your fall. I think for most of us that is the case. we look back down that narrow path we have just traveled...and we see our tracks... we can see the trail where our heels have dug into the soil... appearing like one was not easily carried. though nothing is impossible or difficult when it comes to the highest of highs. the Most high. if only we let him carry us through..
I'm so glad i don't have to earn his love. that he is willing to carry me. catch me. pick me up. He created me with this value. This worth, beyond measure. he set the price! and then..something happened..one day i was his. and the next..were separated by a world. a world that has kissed me to pieces. that has stolen my innocence, and handed me over to suduction. a world that has plastered on me, a bar code of worth.

But he broke the system. and installed a new currency..somehow..of greater value. Mind blowing..that he has to pay for what was rightfully his. But because of the lies. we somehow have come to the conclusion that we don't diserve his love..and perhaps..that he doesn't deserve ours. And so he proves his love..and even though we are eternaly greatfull...we are almost resistant. without notice. we refuse. even though He is so willing to hand us his love. we throw our bodies down. we rip out our heart. and we try desparately to compile everything we have and own, to make up for what He did. but we don't accept his love..unless we try our best to repay him. and if we take his love, we misuse it, because were trying desperately to save up, to figure a way, to repay him. how can you repay something, that has been bought with death? is it even possible? no. it is quite, impossible. death, is the highest price, and that is why, death, is the currency by which He paid. He decided, we were worth it. And he knew, that by death, there was no way we could repay him. And that is why He did it. Because He wanted to prove, that it wasn't what we have that He wanted..it is who we are. It is us. That He wanted. That He wants. And He wanted to prove that since their is no repaying Him, maybe we could consider giving Him a chance, because He knew, That if we were willing, we could plainly see how much He loves us, by the perchase that He made, by the proof of his death, We could see how much we are truly worth.
When we finally come to this conclusion, that there is no way we can repay him, we can wholeheartedly accept His love...without intention. without incentive. with only our heart. we carry his heart, in our heart. and everywhere we go, He carries us.