Ok, I want this as anonymous as possible. I am not sure that I will actually keep writing this because quite honestly I have always thought that blogs are to lame for words. But I live in residence at a university and my room is tiny, my bf is always in it and I am soooo scared that someone would find a journal if I wrote one. Someone could find a file if I saved it on my com (for fuck's sakes if I could find my bf's porn by accident is doesnt sound that hard to find my secret journal.
-Basically all of that said, I am having a day...well a steady stream of days really, a steady stream that has lasted months now. However long I have been here at least. I just cant find a solution to this. I was unhappy in highschool, I hated my friends, hated myself, hated my family. Therefore the logical solution has to be University right? Fresh start, new and exciting people, still with my perfect boyfriend, escape from my averagly disfunctional family. WRONG! Big, fat, stupid wrong! I am here with people who arent fresh or exciting they are boring ass hicks who only find excitment in getting drunk enough to break shit. I have basically made one real friend that I like. I have more friends then that There is O, and K and of course the Bf but it just seems like everyone else is out enjoying university while I am wondering why I am not making friends. And for anyone reading this you probably think that I am some big ugly loser but really I am not. I was wildly popular in highschool, I am fairly pretty and not gonna lie, insanely funny...but I just cant seem to find my way into this primative society based on frat values.
-Ok the real reason I am particularily upset today. I dont feel so pretty anymore. Dont get me wrong I know that I am not "fat" but I am a compulsive over eater (I blame my father for that, its a story for another involving the children of cambodia) and my 18 yr old metabolism can get me far but not far enough. I feel like I have gained a shitload of weight, I am not fat but I feel like I have gained sooooooo much. Like seriously I looked in the mirror a couple of minutes ago and I let my stomach go to its full fat look and I wanted to cry. I was huge! If I saw a girl my size I would think that she was overweight. That is not a cool thing to realize, especially for someone who loves french fries and Hates treadmills. But I have made a decision, I am only eating food that is actually good for me! and I am working out at least 5 times a week. I think that the gym closes for exam weeks but I will actually die if it does! how am I supposed to work out then...and over christmas. FUCK this is not gonna work, my diets never work. I have been looking for a way out of being just not skinny since I was like 11 and it has never once made me feel like a lost a single fucking pound. And the reason I am resorting to blogging is that I cant talk to anyone about feeling overweight. Who can I talk to...my super skinny dancer friends, they would just say that it is so unlike ME to say that because I HATE when girls talk that way and tell me that I am insane. The bf, He loves me...and he has to say nice things it is his bf-ly duty, my family lol I dont like to talk with them about the groceries, forget my stomach fat.
-I geuss I will leave now cus I think that is all that I can get out for now, and as I already pointed out finals are coming up and what would suck more than university?..Flunking out
-Thats what Ive got
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