Thoughts.com Blogs - Abortion is not the answer. Never

Almost exactly a year ago I got pregnant. The father was my boyfriend of 3 years now. The news was breathtaking and not in the good way. At the time, I was selfish and only thinking of myself. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to be married when I had kids. I wanted to be young and only have to worry about myself. I didn't want to bring someone else into this world that would depend on me. I was scared and dumb. I did something I'll regret for the rest of my life. I had an abortion. I thought it would be the "easy" way out. I figured once I did it, I would block it out of my mind and pretend it never happened. I was so wrong.

My parents wanted me to get married to my boyfriend and raise the child together. I convinced them to let me have the abortion, and I'll never be able to forgive them for letting me do such a horrible thing. I had to have their consent since I was only 17 years old at the time. My dad went with me to the clinic. The building looked somewhat like a large, old, one story, house. For some reason I thought it would look like a hospital. I guess that was just my stupidity for thinking this place would actually look nice.

We walked into a room slightly larger than my bedroom at home. There where girls who looked much older than me, sitting in chairs with who looked like to be their "babies daddy". I was accompanied by my father since I was underage and had to have him present with me according to Georgia state law. My dad was talking to the nurse and signing in when I became dizzy all of a sudden. Then my ears started ringing and I lost my hearing and sight. I knew I was about to faint. The last thing I remembered was telling the nurse I was about to pass out. I woke up sitting in a chair with my dad holding my hand. I had about 10 minutes to regain my composure when my name was called.

A nurse brought me to a room where I was asked a ton of questions and they took my blood and ran some tests. I then had to strip down and wear one of those hospital gowns and wait. I was then walked down a hallway where I passed an open door. I wish I would have never looked in. I saw what looked like a bloody lump of something on a metal trey. Was it my imagination, and terror of what I was about to do? Or was that really what they were about to pull out of me? I wanted to turn around and run as far away as possible, but I was too far in to turn back now. I was too scared to turn back.

I lay on a cold table with my feet in these metal holsters when the nurse told me they would be "using a suction method procedure". She really meant, "We’re about to use this thing that's like a vacuum and suck out the bloody lump, which is your child, through your vagina". You can't try to sugar coat it. A doctor then came in and was holding my hand. It was strange that he was the one who calmed me down, because he would be the one to take my child away. The last thing I saw was him looking down at me and telling me that everything would be ok and that it would be over soon. He was wrong.

It wasn’t over then, and it still isn’t over now. That one decision effects my life everyday. I can’t look at babies the same way anymore. It makes me want to burst into tears, so I’ve learned to just look away and not notice. The same questions pop into my head when I think about my child. Would it be a boy or a little girl? Would they look like there daddy or would they look more like me? These questions run through my mind all the time. If I could go back in time I would’ve changed everything. Abortion for me was choosing a lifetime of regret. My child would have been born in September of 07’. My little boy or girl would already be five months old.

My little boy or girl,

I’m so sorry for what I did. If I could change my decision I would. I wish I could see your little face, to hear your laughter, to see your smile. I never gave you a chance to make me fall in love with you. But, I have all the same. I love you with all my heart and you’ll always be mine. I wish I could hold you and rock you to sleep. I’ll always carry you with me wherever I go and you’ll always be a part of me. I’ll never forgive myself for letting you go. But one day we’ll be together again and I’ll finally see your little face, and everything will finally be right like it should have been.

Mommy