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And then reality set in. What the hell was I thinking, living in some pathetic fantasy world? Nothing in particular happened to cause this awakening. But I am awake. Reality hit me out of nowhere last night with a hard right cross. And I'm done with this. I can't even bring myself to go into the details of that rediculous fantasy that I wrote about in previous blogs.
I will continue to take care of my wife because I made a commitment to do it. But that is my last commitment. (Great. The cat just threw up on the carpet. I guess I'll clean that up too.) After this, no pets, no relationships, no responsibilities, no nothing. I won't go through this again.
My wife isn't terminal, but no one lives long taking 10 medicines and seeing five doctors. (No exaggeration.) I know my fantasy world was some idiotic attempt to brace against the inevitable reality of being alone. Now, I don't care. Alone is fine. I don't want anyone to care for me and I don't want to care for anyone.
I know God tests me to make me stronger. But hey Lord, I failed. More than that, I quit. My resignation is effective the day my wife passes on. Until then I'll fake it. It's not like my fade out will draw much attention. I've had enough.
I'm not suicidal. I'm not homicidal. I just want to get lost in my own little corner or the world...alone. Alone to avoid feeling. Alone to avoid anymore twisted, Frank Capra-like fantasy worlds. That will never be reality for me so I don't want to see it.
The damage I could of done. Never again.
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Posted by HungryHeart on 2007-12-05 04:24:09 | Rating: | Views: 97
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First time visiting your blogs. Your last line should be reread again and again. I said that once in my life. Sounds like you just missed a train wreck or maybe just missed making the mistake of your life. Must go back to the beginning...
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-04-06 14:35:49
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