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I promised someone on Thoughts that I would write this blog tonight, so I will even though this is a very difficult subject for me.
I was in a deep depression that lasted for about 15 years. There is no way to trace this back to the day or even the year it started, but I would estimate it at about the age of 12. I remember being about that old when I was trying to figure out where I could hang a belt from to act as a noose.
My feelings of inadequacy and depression are easily traced. My mother had wild mood swings and she was constantly critical. Seldom could I please her. My father worked away for weeks at a time and was the strong, silent type. He was never critical but not really supportive either.
As I grew up, the depression would ebb and flow, but would always be there. I drank heavily and experimented with a few drugs. My friends thought I just liked to have a good time. Few ever saw the darker side of my mind.
For years I drove around with a garden hose and towels in the trunk of my car in case I decided to go to sleep with the assistance of carbon monoxide. I also kept a box of sleeping pills in my medicine cabinet with various other pills.
When I was probably about 26 I started feeling very cold about life. I had no emotion about anything. One day I left work early went home, opened some beers and a fifth of whiskey and put all the pills in a cup on the coffee table. I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel anything as I put the house in order - taking out the garbage, ect. I started drinking fully intent on adding the pills. Something - and I still can't tell you what - snapped me out of it. I still didn't get sad, I got mad.
I was mad that I was about to give away the gift of life without a fight. I got mad at everyone and everything that ever did me wrong. I wanted a fight. I took on three jobs. I had no days off for two years and no time for depression. I handled my debt with the extra money and resolved old relationships. I found out who was important to me and broke away from the rest.
In the meantime, I had placed the cup of pills back in the medicine cabinet. One day I noticed the pills had disintegrated into dust. I've never been back to that dark place and will never go again.
I do not want anyone to think they should bypass professional help to beat depression. I had no health insurance and little money at the time. Use whatever weapons you have access to. Destroy it like you would destroy someone who was trying to hurt your children - anyway you can. I wish all the best to those of you who are trying to fight your way out of the dark today. |
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Posted by HungryHeart on 2008-01-04 00:22:12 | Rating: | Views: 152
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I really enjoyed reading your blog. My boyfriend is dealing with depression (nto to extremes) he just isn't happy about anything. He's seeing a counselor tomorrow and I'm going with him. I have no understanding about why he would be depressed because he has everything he could ever ask for. Sometimes I feel like it's sometimes my fault he's not happy. But he should be the one reading your blog. I'm sure a lot of people will be helped by reading this.
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Posted by HydenSeaCrets
on 2008-01-04 00:30:13
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Excellent Post!
I am glad that you are a fighter.
This is inspiring.
I would like to see it in a thread in the forum.
I loved the part about the pills turning into dust.
Better the pills return to dust, than a precious soul.
Getting angry, never looked so good on a person.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-01-04 11:50:21
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A very good friend of mine struggles with depression. His battle has made me familiar with the beast, and how it can devastate someone's life. Kudos to you for coming out intact on the other side.
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Posted by Indigo_Drift
on 2008-01-05 12:57:42
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