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Nobody wants to have his or her heart broken, but at the same time nobody wants someone to tell them lies. Often you can't have it both ways.
I hate breaking a woman's heart. It hurts me to do it. So there have been times I have lied about how I feel in order to put off the inevitable. Other times I have told them the truth and lived with the guilt. Isn't that rediculous - feeling guilty over being honest?
I guess there are times when you can be too honest, but I think that is the best way to go. My step daughter broke up with her boyfriend suddenly last week. He was all distraught and talking about how he will have to leave the area and he will always wait, etc, etc. She told him "Don't wait, this isn't going to work ever." Blunt and to the point. Like pulling a band-aid off quickly. I may be older, but I do learn from her.
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
Bonnie Raitt - I Can't Make You Love Me |
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Posted by HungryHeart on 2008-03-05 00:10:16 | Rating: | Views: 208
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You're completely right...sometimes its hard to decide whether to lie or tell the truth and hurt someone...thats the quandary I was in so long with my husband before I left him.
I think in the end you have to be truthful and cause the heartache, because the lies go on and on (and so inevitably does the heartache)...but once the truth is out there, it can be dealth with. And the beauty of the human heart is...even when it is broken, it can be fixed...it heals.
I have been in both situations. I have been lied to and I have lied. I had had my heart broken and I have broken a heart. It takes time and hurts like hell, but its better than the alternative in the long term, because as long as there's lies...no one can move on from it.
What I told myself when I eventually left was...if hubby wasn't right for me...then I can't be right for him either, and by leaving, I was setting us both free...even if he didn't feel that way to start with...one day when his soulmate walks through the door...he will.
Beautiful song by the way...i heard the George Michael version a while ago and the words are so poignant and so true.
Great post xxx peace and love to you xxx
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Posted by chebtastic1
on 2008-03-05 08:41:18
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Smiling, I work in a office filled with different age groups, and the teens/20's group deal with heartache the best, they simply tell it as it is, I have to say, I am much more grateful for the truth then I am for the bull shit lies, but I find it the hardest thing to do myself. I guess it comes down to the fear that you dont want to hurt someone else if you can help it and we all know what it feels like to be the one hurting, but at the same time, you really do need to set people free.
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Posted by landdownunder
on 2008-03-05 12:47:03
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Its the lies that get under your skin. You hear the truth, it hurts, you move on. Its the lies that are the ones you just aren't sure about...
Good post HH =]
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Posted by Acre
on 2008-03-05 21:31:36
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Bravo for the way your step daughter handled this. Women in their 20's and 30's are my greatest guides and teachers. The band-aid example was brilliant.
Many of us struggle with not wanting to hurt the feelings of another. We think lying or saying nothing is the way to go. I know several men who are with someone they don't feel passion for ... someone they don't even enjoy the company of, all because they don't want to rock the boat and hurt that person. What they don't realize is their silence and lack of honesty is not only hurting themselves, but the other person as well.
Perhaps it's the way we were raised ... hearing .... "don't burn your bridges" .... "don't let the door hit you in the behind on your way out". We are been programmed to believe that if we let go of something, nothing new will ever come to fill it's place.
Even the smallest amount of hope can carry us through our day. I was in a situation last summer, with a man, whose life was very lonely. I realized his inability to tell me our friendship was over and done with came from his need to keep a smidgen of hope alive in his life. In some ways I needed that small smidgen as well and was thankful he left a small crack in the door. Thankfully, I recognized his need ... knew it was over between us and didn't get stuck in a holding pattern, waiting and hoping for his call.
Many who can't handle hurting another seem to be perfectly content with the torture of others. Pecking away ... with small digs throughout the day ... digs that slowly wear down the self esteem and spirit of another. In an interview Maya Angelou referred to this practice as being pecked to death by ducks. She went on to say she would much rather prefer a clean kill.
To speak the truth in love, is love.
Love does not leave someone dangling.
Love does not keep someone holding on to false hope.
Love holds with an open hand.
Love takes no hostages.
Love unlocks the prison door freeing another to
move on and find the love and happiness
they so richly deserve.
Thanks Hungry Heart for this most thought provoking post.
Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-03-05 23:11:42
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One of my very favorite songs of all times. Thank you for reminding me and for this post. It really made me think. The truth can and does hurt, but I must say, that I prefer it every time. The lying just prolongs the inevitable in most cases. Long drawn-out affairs are the pits!
Your step-daughter did the right thing and now, the ex can go on his way with certainty that there is no hope. Boy, do we all love hope though...tough one!
CODreamin, Loved the Angelou quote and poem! Thanks!
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-03-06 12:45:27
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I guess why lie in the first place! Breaking up is always going to hurt some party so why lie. If you lie then there is more to explain and could the guilt be a result of lies versus the person. Why compromise who you are just cause someone need the sugar coated version. I have been on both sides and I know how each shoe feels but why would I want someone to postpone a breakup. I think that in this world people are not as insensitive, I think that our culture actually desensitizes us for a lot of things. All I want to say is that it is great you care about the other persons feelings but comprisiming yourself might turn out back firing in the end. Be yourself even if truth hurts.
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Posted by athena84
on 2008-03-06 15:18:15
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Love that Bonnie Raitt song...
And, breaking up is always hard but I think it makes things easier when we're transparent about the feelings we don't have/may have. The truth hurts, sometimes pisses us off, but it also sets us free...
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Posted by BitterSweetheart
on 2008-03-13 08:45:48
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