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There is something that has bothered me for a long time, but I have never said anything to anyone so I thought I might write about it here to get it off my chest. I married my wife when I was 31 and her daughter was 18. Even before the wedding bells rang my step daughter took to calling me dad, probably at the beheast of her mother. It bothered me immediately, but I said nothing.
Now it is 13 years later and my step daughter has a daughter who is told that I am her Pappy. I love this little baby, but please, I'm not a Pappy. I'm not even a dad.
I never raised a child and as I move into middle age I guess there is some regret. My wife could not have more children and I always told her that was okay because I didn't want any. I wasn't lying at the time but now I feel differently. I feel like I missed something.
I guess the simple answer is that I can have a hand in raising this "grand daughter." But the fact is that I don't have any right, legal or otherwise, to call her my grand daughter. Like much of my life, it is just playing pretend.
I'll end by quoting the John Mellencamp song Real Life:
"Jackson Jackson was a good kid. He had four years of college and a bachelors degree.
He started work when he was 21, got fedup and quit when he was 43.
He said, 'All of my life I've done what I was supposed to do and now I'm thinking maybe I'd like to do something for myself. Just soon as I figure out what that is you can bet your life I'm gonna give it hell.
I want to live the real life. I want to live my life close to the bone. Just because I'm middle-aged that don't mean I want to sit around this house and watch tv. I want the real life. I want to live the real life.'" |
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Posted by HungryHeart on 2007-12-31 14:17:43 | Rating: | Views: 166
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Hey Dude, good blog. I can relate to a couple of things here. First my son has just moved in with a girl wjo has had a baby via IVF treatment and she addresses me as grandad!! This makes me kin of uncomfortable, since there is no biological connection, a bit like your own circumstances.
I think the lyrics from the John Mellencamp song aare excellent, so true to life. I have never heard of the song or artist, but I think it deserves a search on You Tube, so that's where I'm off to now...alll the best man.
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Posted by muzezzz
on 2007-12-31 14:25:27
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I read your blog and here is what I think...
Your blog makes me think that you are an honest man who wants to experience everything life has to offer. And I don't think you should feel bad about that. I think you should live your life to the fullest for better or worse, because then at least you will be satisfied and not wonder what could have been. Wondering about that a whole lifetime seems utterly exhausting. However, some of the people that are in your life are probably extremely important to you, but you don't realize it until they are gone. Its a tough situation you are in, but I would just follow your instincts about what to do. Because all you have in the end is yourself, and you should do what makes you happy. Happy New Year's!
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Posted by aBrighton
on 2007-12-31 15:02:52
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Wow! Sounds like you are awaiting an "exit out" sign. First of all, I do empathize with you and wish you all the best; However, take heed to extensively re-evaluate all "feelings" involved here.
There is no doubt, I feel this should be verbally and peacefully discussed. It seems you have lugged this "heavy baggage" around a bit too long. I do feel baggage can mentally corrode the mind...hopefully you will release this by discussing and getting things off your chest. You will be glad you did.
Again,remember you indirectly agreeded to go along with this idea from the beginning by condoming the behavior of acceptance. Unless, verbally told sometimes it is some-what impossible to "read the minds" of others....So, I would be very much concerned for your wife feelings on this issue as well.
Evidently, the daughter must have became a bit fund of you...Believe me at the mature age she was when you guys formed this relationship...This daughter was well of age to develop her own feelings toward Rejection; Without her mothers persuassion (most kids at this age will rebell for sure if they are not "feeling" the step-parent). So, you must be a pretty good guy in the daughter's eye-sight.
Now as far as the wife goes,If this issue is verbally addressed by you... this could come across to the wife, as a form of lies/deception inflicted upon her... by condomning this early on. She could very easily feel mis-leaded by the nature of it all.
As a result, she could very well loose trust and faith in you to some extent...depending on how personal she takes this.
Maybe, it would be wise to take everyone's feelings into consideration here including yours. Then, evaluate what you really think would be feasible to do.
Well this is just my opinion....Hope this helps...You will be in my prayers and I hope everything works out for you.
Have A Prosperous N/Y and God Bless.
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Posted by bevel
on 2007-12-31 17:31:19
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Only thing I'd say is that biological families can sometimes be overrated. Everybody wants a family but adopted families can be just as good, or better, than biological ones.
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Posted by hairytoad2005
on 2008-01-01 06:14:12
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i agree that you are someone who seems to want to experience all the best things of life...but my question is this...are you confused and upset because you realize now you wanted to have children...or because you have no real claim as a grandfather and thats the role you are being forced into? i see a mixture of both...regret and confusion...and i admit that it sounds hideously awkward to dwell on what you are and are not in your "grandchild"s life. perhaps the problem is that you dont feel like you have the right to be as involved as you are...and couple that with your equally confusing feelings towards your role as a stepfather to a woman you are attracted to. all in all the issue you ought to focus on is the desire to have children and try to figure that out...its the most simple of all the bewildering and may be the root of something.
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Posted by kmalbro
on 2008-01-01 13:48:28
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For most of my life I was a little mouse, a good girl who did all the right things, followed all the rules and never caused a lick of trouble. Yes, things bothered me, but I never said a word. Didn't want to make waves or upset anyone. Then there came a time in my life ... a very dark time ... when I was left with no choice but to throw away the rule book, color outside the lines and think outside the box. Yes, it rocked the world of the people close to me that I was standing up for myself ... taking charge of my destiny and happiness. You remind me of a race horse in the barn ... a small ray of light is shining through the barn door (the "real life") ... it's calling and beckoning you. You long to run free, long to feel the wind in your hair and the cool grass under your feet. Break down that big old barn door, HungryHeart. It's Never Too Late To Be What You Might Have Been! Peace
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-01-01 22:56:12
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When you are a child, you don't have a choice about who your family is. When you become an adult, family is whomever you choose it to be. I have two kids, six and eleven. My parents have both passed away. My husband's parents are very selfish, could care less about the kids and rarely contact them. Our neighbors have been a part of the kid's lives since their birth. We celebrate holidays with them, they come to all their activities, and come to grandparents day at the school. My kids call them grandma and grandpa. They have no grandchildren and want to fulfill this role. In turn, when they are sick or need anything, we take care of them. They aren't blood and didn't raise me or my husband, but they are our family by choice, which is stronger than blood. If you want the role, don't let blood stand in the way of being "Pappy" as it sounds like you have been chosen, which is more powerful than anything.
As far as the second part of your blog. All I can say is life is very short. Don't waist a minute of it because you never know when it may be your last. Don't live in fear...it gets you nowhere.
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Posted by lippshaw
on 2008-01-02 20:55:40
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Hungry Heart, if you were to ever ask my advice, I would tell you to follow your heart.
You are only living in words right now.
You have one life...Live it!!!
No one else can live it, but you.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-01-04 12:03:34
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I am in a place not unlike you. I want to live my life. I spent so many years trying to please everyone, take care of everyone, make them happy at the cost of my own. I hope you are able to break out and live your life to the fullest. You are not middle aged! You are only in your 40's! Thats young! :)
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Posted by alleen
on 2008-01-09 01:02:17
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