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Dear Mom,
It has been more than 12 years since you passed away. During that time, I guess I have resolved all the conflicting feelings I had about you. However, there are still questions.
I have come to believe that you loved me mom, but you didn't like me. I'm not sure why. I had a lot of friends outside the family, but none within it. It was obvious that you also never liked my friends. How strange when one considers that you liked my brother's friends so much. My friends were headed to college and his were headed to prison.
I have figured one thing out, mom. You were mentally ill. Your mood swings were sudden and brutal. I remember you chasing me with a hammer, berating me constantly and threatening me with a shoe until I could stand no more and knocked it from your hand. I also remember that you made sacrifices so that I always had whatever I needed and a warm place to sleep.
I'm not sure what happened to you when you were younger but I assume it was traumatic. I have found out that you were married before you met dad and kept that a secret from us. Is that what happened? Or was it something earlier in life?
You told me once that you had to have an operation so you could give birth to me. I remember because that was the only time I ever remember you telling me outright that you loved me. Or course that was when I made it clear that I was gone as soon as I turned 18 and you were trying to make me feel guilty. After all, how would it look to the neighbors and the church and your friends if I left? Image was always everything to you, mom. The makeup, the constant decorating, the family gatherings.
Well a week after I turned 18 I was gone, with you doing everything you could to tell me how terrible I would have it. Congratulations, mom. I spent a good deal of time feeling guilty about a variety of things, not trusting others and unsure what love felt like.
I want you to know, however, that I am past that. I'm sick of guilt, I have found a few people I can truly trust and I now know what love really feels like.
I don't hate you, mom. But I do pity you. I hope God has forgiven you and given you passage to heaven. I know you were sick because I have seen the affects of mental illness upclose. But whatever the cause of your problems, know this: It wasn't my fault!
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Posted by HungryHeart on 2007-12-11 21:40:11 | Rating: | Views: 89
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Thank you ,Hungryheart You our not alone there are others That feel like you ,But forgiven makes you the better person,God Bless
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Posted by shellyme
on 2007-12-11 21:47:30
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im so sorry you had such a hard child life
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Posted by shanea
on 2007-12-12 13:49:31
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