Everyone does things out of habit without really thinking about it. I know I do. And sometimes, out of no where, I'm suddenly very aware of my surroundings or the task I am in the middle of. Its been happening a bit lately.

I was having a cigarette this afternoon (yes, yes - I know its a horrible disgusting habit, I'm putting another nail in my coffin etc etc) and I suddenly was very aware of what I was doing. I was holding a little white and orange stick in my hand and sucking smoke out of it. And why? Who thought to put tobacco and all the bad stuff in a little handy stick, light it and start inhaling the fumes, slowly but surely killing themselves? I was imagining my insides like they show on those ads on TV. Funnily enough though, I didn't put it out.

I recently borrowed CSI:Miami season 2 from my parents and was watching that one night. I got up to the crossover episode to New York. I was suddenly in awe of NY. CSI portrays Miami as hip and bright and full of life, in contrast to New York as dark and dingy and old. I always love when shows or movies show the NY skyline - Its amazing to see. Isn't it like the population of Aus lives in NY? Maybe not. But NY is usually shown in two ways - the rich and well off and the poor and dirty. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground. Also, this is just my observation from TV shows and movies, so don't judge me!! I don't particulary have a desire to travel the world, but this night I wanted to see New York. I wanted to see the dark and dingy and the beautiful and bright. I wanted to experience Central Park and the museums and restaurants.

Then I started to think closer to home and Sydney. My aunt and uncle used to live in Sydney and we would catch buses into the city. You see all the cime and graffiti on the way in and then you see the magic that is Sydney. The shops, the sights, the culture,the history, the people. I'm always wary when I go to big cities. You hear so much about crime that it scares me sometimes when I go there.

Tonight I was laying on the lounge with my boy, cuddling and tickling, and I was looking into his eyes and it dawned on me, that I'm grown up. We live together and he is such an amazing person, I felt lucky to have him in my life. We laugh together, talk, make plans for the future, sleep together.... its just nice. I feel so comfortable around him.

I haven't driven any where for a couple days - just chilling at home. But driving is a habit. You instinctively know what to do and when to do it without really thinking about it. And sometimes, when I'm driving my mind wanders and I think about this fact. Then for the life of me, I can't remember how to turn the blinker on!! I'll be coming up to a corner I want to take and scramble for all the levers and buttons and usually turn the windscreen wipers on instead. Or I'll be driving along casually, going between gears to get to that nice cruisy point. I'll be in fifth and feel like going one more and go back to fourth for reasons unknown. Then the engine makes that sound that means 'I'm not good here - slow down or change gears - and soon!!'

Sometimes (this one ispretty weird) my boy and I will be fooling around and I'll start to think about sex. Well duh, but I mean what it actually entails. Putting his bit into my bit and moving around. When I really think about it, its quite funny. Who thought up sex!!?? Who thought that this dangly thing that gets hard and straight would go alright in the soft moist hole of a woman?? I either end up in a giggling fit which ends the mood or it turns me on even more..

Anyway.