If I could change anything about myself I think I would change almost all of it.

Physically I would change my weight, the horrible stretch marks that come with it, I wouldn't have poly-cycstic ovary syndrome and the pain and excess facial hair that comes with it as well as the weight gain.

I wouldn't have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and the weak joints and frequent pains that come with it.

I wouldn't have a scar on my lip that makes my mouth look slightly lopsided every time I wear lipstick.

I wouldn't have "non-specific knee pain" that the doctors can't figure out and that constantly makes my right leg ache from my hip to my foot from what I assume is because walking slightly odd to compensate for the original knee pain.

I wouldn't have plantar fascitis giving me pain in both feet and calves.

I would choose to be hairless below the neckline because I have never been bothered enough to shave my legs etc properly but I have been bothered by the fact that I feel like I should, like I'm not feminine enough if I don't.

I would keep my overall hour glass figure, but I would have my breasts slightly more.... up, without seeming fake.

I would also keep my eyes, but have a slightly smaller nose and eyebrows that didn't need plucking.

I would remove most of the scars on my body, including all the self harm scars on my thighs, upper arms and all the ones on my left arm. The one on my right arm - the last one, the worst one, the one that told me I had to stop I would keep as a reminder of why I no longer do it, I would also keep the scar on my knee from when I fell as a child.

I would have more tanned upper arms.

I would have slightly smaller toes and feet that aren't quite so wide.

I think I would keep my hair the way it is, its tangly and unmanagable a lot of the time but its also who I am. I tried having straight hair once and besides the pain, hours and money it took I hated the feeling on the hair limp on my neck and I didn't feel like me.

I would have whiter teeth with better gums and I would still have my lip piercing.

Mentally I don't know where to begin, I don't know whether I would get rid of the Asperger's Syndrome or just wish that I had been diagnosed as a young child so that I at least had an explanation for the torment I went through as a child.

I would like to be able to be outside of myself, objective and able to see my past for a while to analyse my childhood, to untangle all the paranoia, obsessions, unconfidence, social problems and depression that I am left with today.

As it is I doubt I would be able to sort it out without a very long time to think and absolutely no other responsibilities for that time.

I do not think that the NHS counselling I am going to get in 6 weeks will help much.  After so many years of compartmentalising my problems I find myself unable to bring them forward to my conscious mind willingly. Rather they build and then day to day problems set me off and they all come out at once in a confusion so that I cannot even begin to separate them out and sort them one by one. So far this happening hasn't coincided with any of my doctors appointments and so they are of little help.

I don't know how I intend to fix them, I only know that I will have to do it alone. Only I know my own mind and since I find it impossible to express it externally to anyone (not for want of trying) I am going to have to be the one to counsel myself. When I do try to express how I feel to others they think they have understood what I meant but from their reactions, replies and suggestions I can tell that I haven't quite made myself clear. And there is no worse feeling than feeling like no one understands than the feeling that everyone thinks they understand when really they don't, and being the only one who knows it because of course, trying to explain it to people only results in the exact same thing happening again. It is a vicious circle and one of my major frustrations.

Personality-wise I would like to be more generous. I am always willing to please, my boyfriend tells me I go too far and will sacrifice my own happiness for that of others. But it is not for the right reasons, it is for selfish reasons mostly, it is because I am so terrified of upsetting people and having no idea that I have done so, not a clue what to do about the conflict and after experiencing so much two-faced-ness at school, worrying that if I do not please I will be talked about unfavourably.  I do not have the social understanding to know what to do with these sorts of things and as a result if they do happen I almost always end up looking bad or being on the receiving end of any grief.  I do get happiness out of making other people happy, but at the same time I know that I also do generous things for selfish reasons.

I would like to be less lazy, mentally and physically, and I would like to rely less on others. In some ways I am totally self reliant as I keep parts of myself locked away. But with close friends and my boyfriend I often give in to the temptation to ask them to do things for me when I could easily do them myself.

I would like more concentration, more of an idea of what I would like to do with my life, more drive in my studies and more ambition to be better.

Mostly I would like to not be dependent on anti-depressants, self-medication of other means and self harm in order to stop myself from doing something stupid. Which is something I have been considering a lot recently and have come close to doing once.  Oddly, this is a side effect of my anti-depressants.

I want to know how to fix my depression, to make it go away and not come back, every time I feel better I forget what it feels like to feel so terrible but in the back of my mind I know that the feeling will come again, making it impossible to remember what happiness feels like,  making it harder to come back from each time.

I want to be strong enough to fix myself but I don't think I can do it and carry on making everyone think I am leading a normal life at the same time.