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| Thinking... About my dad.. =[ ...
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Recently I have been thinking alot, I mean I now have a lot of free time on my hands and this I feel is spent in good heed by trying to figure out more deeply about who I am.
I have always gone along with the idea that I am just another average joe. My dad always told me that the one thing I wanted to be (my dream job) would never happen, he always said it would be nearly a miracle if I made it as anything. Which is part of the reason I have tried my hardest to fail in life. Yeh so many fuckers would be out there trying to prove him wrong and that, but I have tried, I have tried so damn hard and it seems everything I do is never enough to win the pride every little girl seeks in their dad.
I used to be a proper daddys girl, when I was little, but somehow over the years me and my dad have drifted apart and lost the connection, I have said some real nasty stuff to him (yes I admit I have often said to him I wish he was dead..all of which now I regret sincerely). When I was little I had every faith that my dad believed in me, and that he new I could do well and succeed as anything in the world that I wanted to be. Of course starting in my teens my grades began to drop just like the bond that my dad and I had.
I look back to those days and I feel upset, and lonely, how is it that I could have forced a brick wall between me and my dad? I am the one to blame for us getting further apart.
I now live on my own, and I never actually talk to my dad unless I go home, if I phone up my parents then he will answer and get my mom to ring back when he hears it is me. That makes me upset and makes me full of self loathing, does my dad really not want to even talk to me? I can name thousands of great times I have had with my dad, he was the person who took me to my first ever rock concert, and he didnt even moan about the music being too loud and he actually likes the band now!
You see if I was saying this to my dads face..well i wouldnt be saying anything, when ever i go to tell my dad just what he means to me i kind of freeze up inside, i can safely tel my mum that i love her loads and look her in the eye and tell her this, but if i tell my dad i love him then i always look at something else. My dad is the usual type, he is strong and muscular and he can be extremely terrifying when he wants to be.
Once when I was little I accidently turned off his computer, he went crazy and I ran away from home I was that scared, all I remember was my mom finding me hiding in a bush and soothingly convincing me to go back home. Good old mom.
I think my dad is what puts me off having children and ever getting married.
When I look at my dad I can see me, and although he is a great father I can see me being ten times worse as a mother.
As for getting married, well my dad had an affair once, and god forbid I should never tell anyone this but its why I cant trust men, its why ever since the day I found out i have never looked at my dad in the same way, the day i found out I looked at him with pure hatred, when he spoke to me I replied frostily and if he looked at me i would look away knowing that everything i had idolized in my dad was now shattered, because at heart he wasnt an amazing guy, he was just another cheap and scummy prick that the world seems to be full of now a days. Of course over the weeks that feeling went, when I look at him today sometimes i still feel resentment towards him, but no matter what mistakes he has done, he is still my dad, and I love him, unconditionally and thats bound to be with me for life.
I look at my mom in amazement, how the hell could she have gone through that with a baby and still stick by the man who had betrayed her? I know I wouldnt.
Many of my boyfriends get fed up because I cant trust easily, because I am always asking about their exes and because I always terrified of what they might do, and i always think they will do to me what my dad did to my mom, and many of them have proved me right, I have never told any of my boyfriends about my dad cheating, they will probably think it is a stupid reason for why I cant trust a guy, but at the end of the day, if a little girl can't trust her daddy, then what guy can she trust?
Tonight I am going to give this link to my boyfriend. I hope if he reads this he will understand why I am the way I am.
I am so miserable being so insecure and finding it so hard to trust a guy, but when my own dad could do that then it makes me wonder..any guy can cant he?
I hope one day my dad realises what he nearly lost, if he hasnt already. I hope that one day i can fully forgive him and he can make my trust in men grow. but until then because of my dads faults I am the one who has to suffer, and the worse thing is, all of my suffering for so long has been in silence, and now this blog is the way to get it out in the open.
I am already feel better for writing this down.
xxooxxooxx
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everyone says things sometimes they dont mean to the people they love. he is your daddy, he knows you dont really wish he was dead. just try to get that relationship back... :-) try to get those words out to him that you wrote here...or show him this, it will mean a lot to him. :-) talk to you soon. xo
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Posted by Courtney1991
on 2008-03-22 21:03:39
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| Views: 141
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