ugh i've been feeling really down lately and im trying to make myself feel better, but i just cant. i've always faked a smile or a laugh when im sad just so no one could tell that i was dying inside. it's always worked for me, but each time it gets harder and harder to hide what im really feeling. My mom keeps looking at me, i know she knows somethings wrong. i find it so hard to tell someone how i feel, so i just keep everything inside and i dont like talking about myself because i feel like im putting my problems on other people. i never was the one crying and having someone else comfort me, it was always the other way around, but im ok with that, its just...hard sometimes.
i feel like im cracking, and when i break im scared i wont be able to handle it. sometimes i feel like im alone in this world and all i have is myself. No one in this world truely knows me, idk maybe its because of me =/ i dont let people in because i guess im scared ill get hurt in some way. i wish i could let people in, but thats always been a struggle for me, and im not entirely sure the reason for that. i could say things in my past are the cause of this, but im not sure.
i think i've held to much in for to long and its finally getting to me. i have this horrible anxiety. sometimes i feel like i want to scream! at times things are so overwhleming i feel like im suffocating. i want to get away from it all, i dont want to feel anything. i want to wake up tomorrow and never remember anything or anyone thats ever hurt me, and i want to be happy, i mean genuinely happy, i want all the bad things to be good and i want life to be how i see it in my head.
i know that wont ever happen, but it doesnt hurt to dream, right??
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