Thoughts.com Blogs - Rollerblades and Rumination (FINISHED)

View Blog

Rollerblades and Rumination (FINISHED)

It is strange that realization and truth strikes when one least expects it, or when it is least convienient. Like on my way to work on Saturday, on rollerblades. But I guess the conditions of the
commute between work and home are perfect for contemplation, and as the most turbulent issue in my life right now, my thoughts wandered to Zach.

I can't lie--I don't always relish the idea of going out in the cold and the rain at quarter to five AM. Someone once told me that there are only two kinds of people out at that time-- The openers (who open the store or McDonalds, getting UP at this time) or the idiots (still haven't gone to bed). Strapping on my roller blades, I set out on the distance of about two miles, all downhill (ah, so easy to get to work, but coming home not so much). Being 16, roller blades are my main source of transportation. The rhythmic whirls of wheels on concrete were the only sound in the still pre-morning, rarely even an occasional car on the "busy" main road. (No one is out at 4:45AM!). The dark of dawn encompassed me—God gave me a hug. I responded with a shy smile, looking up to the slowly waking light. The twinkling stars weren't visible, for it is almost spring and the sky becomes considerably lighter than when I make the trip in mid-winter. The day would be beautiful and calm. I knew God was there with me, watching as I rocked back and forth in the motion of rollerblading. One could just feel his presence. I said nothing, not wishing to break the rhythm of the night. But I listened. God spoke, but he didn’t use words. The dark’s tranquility, the dawn overhead, the solitude of God alone with me—these things soothed me more than words could.

And my mind wandered to ZACH. "What was his problem? Did I 'injure his male ego?' So much so that he wanted, was TRYING, to hurt me? What a JERK!" These thoughts went through my head, tossing the tranquility aside like a whirlwind. First he accuses me of running off with Brian, and saying that I'd never make it as a boy scout because I'm not 'honest and loyal.' THEN he uses my apathy for the opinions of society to say that I don't have the 'whole picture.' (The question of "whole picture of WHAT?" did not even occur to me.)

Then it dawned on me--What did these two hostile agressions have in common? Why was he attacking me and antagonizing fights? What was his problem?

It finally dawned on me-- I was wondering "What was his problem?"

He was wondering the exact same thing. "What was her problem?" He was analyzing our relationship in a way that brought him to wonder why we broke up. WHY it was that we fought during our relationship. WHY I thought the way I did. He wanted to know WHAT was wrong with us, or more specifically, WHY we REALLY broke up, and scrutinizing my blogs to do so.

First, he came to the crazy conclusion that I broke up with him for Brian.
Then, he decided that I did not have the whole picture, and he concluded that this difference was where arguements stemmed from. He was LOOKING for a reason for our break-up. Whether or not he was specifically looking for something wrong with me, I can't say. Despite a slight/moderate judgemental streak, the way he talks and thinks suggests that this is NOT the case, and that he's innocent of trying to place total blame on me.

No, these fights were NOT hostile aggressions, though he could have discussed them with me with more tactfulness. While they CAME ACROSS as hurtful attacks on my ulterior intents, attitudes, and personality, that was NOT HIS INTENT. He was attempting to figure out WHAT WAS WRONG BETWEEN US. He was trying to figure out why we seemed so incompatible. He wanted, in essence, to solve the "mysterious subliminal events" of our break up.

He wanted to find the root of "why."
He wasn't trying to hurt me.