I'm starting to wonder if Zach even wants peace.
Does he strive for it in the way that I do?
We fought AGAIN today. About something stupid and silly this time.
Time and time again, he seems to be too sensitive to everything I blog about. (Yeah, he's been reading it AND INTO it.) This time, it was my being too sensitive. Not that it was my first time, because it wasn't, but it was my fault for taking his little "instigations" too far.

He was ticked that I don't tell him anything anymore. Well, gee, it's not like he's the ruler of my life. I don't think I always told him everything. But if that's what he thinks I'm supposed to do, I'll be more than agreeable to go with it. I like Zach, no longer as a boyfriend but at least as a friend, right? I want peace. I want to befriend Zach, or more like "re-befriend." He's a great person, so why can't we get along?

I started to tell him things, just stuff that had developed over the past week, but he didn't want to hear it because it wasn't "immediate." I'm kind of regretting that I told him at all because of the response I recieved. He didn't open up, as if he held a grudge. He didn't want to hear it, evident in his then-present (but not usually present) tone of voice, rolling of the eyes, and sneering manner. It was this point that I told his brother about the events rather than him, complaining as I side note, "I'm beginning to wonder if he even wants to be my friend." Well, when he treats me like the scum of the earth, one tends to wonder these things. Rosie, Zach's brother, promptly tells Zach, which in turn gives him reason #2 for the fight, or the continuation of it.

I shouldn't have gotten upset over his coldness. This time, I've been too sensitive.
So he's being cold. So he's being standoffish and not quite the most friendly person in the universe. So he's attacked me, or my feelings, or my being. So he doesn't want to hear about my life because he doesn't think that the past week is current enough. So what? Considering the identity of each other, what did I expect? Did I really expect him to smile at me and nod, and be my friend? Did I really expect him to jump into friendship?
I expect too much.

Gosh darn it, I'm crying again. I'm way too emotional, and Zach doesn't understand that either.
I'm a tenacious perserverer, but a fragile soul.

"A Friend" (Yes, you know who you are. ;) ) told me that most "Let's just be friends" don't work, but she said that it could work if we made it work and took a step back. She told me that I should have let everything cool; Distance myself for a few weeks before I came back to being Zach's friend.
It didn't work.
Zach's upset that I'm not telling him anything.
I have great news about tonight, and I WILL post it on the blog, I PROMISE. But I didn't tell Zach, yet, and I think it would help the situation at hand. I called him, but he didn't answer. :'(

Apparently, that's issue #1 --That I've distanced myself from him.

Blogs. On here, I post my thoughts. My inner world, as it comes to me, is typed and posted on the internet for the universe to read and ponder and enjoy. It does not become filtered through a cryptographing system, its meanings do not become hidden, masked, or ambiguated in any way. It does not go through a de-icing process, nor does it go through any proofreading.
It is the pure form of my inner thoughts. Revealed.
I tell the universe how I think,
How I feel about things,
My world is blogged.
These are my private and inner thougths. For all the world to read.
Unfortunately, that means Zach has privvy to my innermost thoughts. It has its merits and it has its drawbacks.

Either tomorrow or Thursday, I'm going to pull him from somewhere, say "We need to talk," and give him a premeditated speech that will go something along the lines of;
"Zach, we haven't been getting along so far. It's been rough.
I know it seems so difficult for us to get along.
BUT I don't want to fight anymore.
I don't want to struggle against you.
I don't want to be upset anymore.
Please, I beg you, could we make a firm resolution that we'll get along, and see where that leads?
Can we stop pointing out stupid, minor faults that no one cares about, and nit picking, and aversions.
Let's smile at each other, take an interest in each other, and just be.
Let's not worry about being friends; It came easily once, it should come again.
Let's not worry about my still-present feelings for you.
Let's not worry about anything except existing.
Everything else will fall into place,
as it had once before."

No more fighting. No more conflict.
Don't be my boyfriend Zach.
Don't be my friend, Zach.
Just EXIST and the friendship will follow.
Just peace.
Peace.

PPPPS. I can't wait to tell Zach my news. XD Maybe it's step one in the healing process?
SOOOO excited! XD