Zach had completely convinced himself that I wanted to break up with him for Brian since January.
Last time I completely convinced myself of anything, it was that Zach no longer had feelings for me.
Ah, alas. Only a fool is sure of anything. A wise man keeps on guessing. The other Nicole said that I should not at all care what Zach thinks. It’s funny—no one would ever care about how others thought of them if they truly understood how little they actually do. I truly don’t care at all what the rest of the universe thinks of me, with few exceptions. Unfortunately for me, Zach is one of those few exceptions.
I haven’t a clue what Zach thinks of me right now, but he refused to listen to my logic today during lunch. I ran, tear-faced, to Mrs. C instead. I guess one could say that she’s my confidant, if I am even eligible to have such a person. (I pretty much tell everyone everything, in coded riddles hard to follow along with, whenever I feel the urge to do so. I don’t have many secrets to tell a confidant, either.) She knows everything about my relationship with Zach. As for Zach, if I had to guess his opinion, it would not be a good one. But there isn’t all that much I feel compelled to do about it. Would it make him feel better?
In critical opinion, this accusation of my leaving Zach for Brian almost has an insecure and jealous air to it. No, Zach is not one to get jealous or be insecure—It does not at all fit in to his character description. It’s his actions and words alone that suggest this. Newsflash: Zach, I don’t care whether or not it IS jealousy and insecurity, or just LOOKS like it. BUT whatever it is, I pray that you will stop. I’ve finally moved on from thinking about you all of the time. I’ve finally moved on. I have moved on. So, just… STOP IT!
Grrr….
No, I solemnly swear on my life, liberty, and happiness that the last time I thought of Brian as more than a friend, a crush, was before Homecoming, when Zach asked me out. Even now, I don’t publicly consider him to be more than a friend, and only readers of this blog and a few other close friends know that I do in fact have a crush on him. THAEG said that if she had to choose my boyfriend between Zach and Brian, she’d choose Zach 100%. BUT that would imply that Brian and I had dated/are dating/will date. And that is not at all the case.
I am not head over heals for Brian, and I do not wish to date him. I do like him and will admit, only to closest friends and to this blog, that I do have a crush on him. He IS cute, intelligent, commanding, inventive, and fun to be around, but I had obsessed over him last year. The seemingly-indelible infatuation had gone away when I started dating Zack. I don’t think that it is still there (I don’t feel the infatuation), but the fact that I have a crush on him is a good sign, I guess. IF dating was what I wanted to get out of the friendship. It’s like a childhood dream—You’d been there, but you can’t seem to go back. No, Brian and I can’t date. Not for a good, long time. I can’t get the magical feeling back. Apparently, that might still be with Zach. *sigh* Still, Zach thinks that I left him for Brian.
Yes, Zach, I was madly in love with someone while dating you. But his name was not Brian. It was… *dreamy breath* MACGYVER.
I love MacGyver. He’s the greatest. And I think I would marry him in a heartbeat, if that were at all possible *wink wink*. Too bad it isn’t. XD One of these blogs has “GOTTA” be about the magic and wonders of MacGyver.
Let’s start from the beginning; Apparently, in my first blog addressing Zach, I stated confidently that maybe it was better that I moved on, better that Zach and I broke up rather than being bound in a serious, committed relationship (that’s how it felt to me, and still feels). I declared that there were a lot of other fish in the sea, and that in general, I liked nerds. (I prefer to surround myself with people who are intelligent, whether inside the box or outside of it.) Through my short amount of time on earth, I’d had crushes on quite a few boys, all of which possessed intelligence or “nerdiness.” But my point in stating this: I should move on, and the fact that Zach and I are no longer together presents an opportunity. Don’t get me wrong, serious and committed relationships are not BAD, they’re not “inhibiting” as the word “bound” implies, but the fact is that I’m 16 going on 17, and I am not ready for a committed, long-lasting love knot. This is HIGH SCHOOL! It’s all a learning opportunity. One is NOT SUPPOSED to be in a SERIOUS relationship like this. In high school, this is supposed to be fun, free, and not stressful.
I don’t want to be in another Zach-like, serious relationship again for a good loooong time. That was really never what I wanted to get out of the relationship in the first place. Which brings the question—What do I want in a relationship? What do I want now? What do I want from Zach? What do I want from Brian?
Right now, I want to be free, be happy, be content staying all on my own (I don’t need a boyfriend in order to be happy. If anything, boyfriends kill my moods. And so does this constant bickering with Zach.) AND I want to flirt. A close friend, who HAS a boyfriend, says that she flirts a lot and that it isn’t a big deal. I want to flirt with Brian.
Am I being unfair to Brian? Does Brian hope to win my heart? He hugged me today (not for the first time), he gives me attention, and he listens to my rants. He tells me to calm down, to slow down, and he shakes his head disapprovingly at my stupidity. He is great, but I can’t date him. I told Brian today that Zach thinks that I broke up with Zach to be with him, and I told him that it’s totally not true. It bothered me that he didn’t seem surprised by this revelation into Zach’s thoughts or my hint that we won’t be dating, but Brian didn’t understand my infatuation with Zach in the first place. (Then again, he doesn’t understand much of anything I do. Oh, off topic;
Before, we discussed what Zach probably thinks about me. What about what Brian thinks about me—He thinks I’m crazy, and insane, but intelligent in my own, out-of-the-box way. He enjoys laughing at me and making fun of my obsessive rants when I don’t understand something (Zach, on the other hand, runs away whenever I rant. At least Brian is there, listening to what I have to say. We can’t blame him though, because he cares about me and doesn’t understand that he could easily bring me out of the rant. The rants are usually about grades or a concept that a teacher and I need to/have argued about.). Brian laughs at me, he makes fun of me, he pushes me around, he mocks me. He points out my problems and my issues, my stupidity, and then he just accepts it. Somehow, I don’t “put up with his abuses.” I like it because it’s Brian, honest and pure. He offends me, he laughs, he tells me how he sees things, he calls me names and accuses me of belonging in an asylum. He is real, though. He is true. And with his mocking and offenses, they seem to be in jest. He’s fun. )
I’m very content with my relationship with Brian as of now. We’re friends, but not too close. We mingle, we flirt, and we fight. It’s all good, and he is not an influence on my life the way Zach was/is. He considers me amusing, and I consider him a friend. We work on the robots together, and will continue the code together, as a team. It’s been that way since the beginning of freshman year, AND we still worked together during my relationship with Zach. He was still around me while I was dating Zach, but now the world’s attention has been brought to me with the male gender, and suddenly the world took notice of him. I don’t see a difference, but he’s more forward now that Zach is not my boyfriend. Other than that, there was no real change in our relationship. Zach thinks it took off. Really? I don’t see it. I don’t want to move forward, though. I’m content with the status quo.
As for Zach, I don’t want him to feel hurt about Brian being my friend. (For the record, I don’t want Brian to be hurt about just being my friend either.) But really, if we are to stay friends, we would need to FIDO—Forget It and Drive On. He needs to not spazz out (Heh, a word Brian used to describe me) because I like another guy, even though it is much too soon after my former relationship with him. Am I rebounding? Possibly that is what my CRUSH on Brian is, but there is no real difference in our relationship. Though my feelings for him could be a direct result of rebounding, there is no dating relationship in which to label “rebounding.”
Between Zach and Brian, I’m too tired to care right now. (A great crime of the heart—There would be no world problems if everybody cared.) I’m told it is very hard for a couple to become “just friends.” Many people have told me that it rarely ever works out. I hope that someday, Zach and I will have the same sort of relationship that I currently have with Vano. Vano and I ask pointed questions about the thoughts going through the heads of the opposite gender. We’re such mysteries to each other, that it works. I tell him how I would see things if I were the female that he wants to get into the head of, and I asked him many questions about Zach. Someday, Zach and I might be that open, that sincere, and that favorable to each other. But until then,
Heck with boys.
They’re too much right now. And far too stressful.
I’m going to
FIDo,
Be free,
And Fly.
