Thoughts.com Blogs

View Blog

Wind

Aaah.. a Cloudy, sexy holiday Monday. I woke surprisingly early after a lovely Sunday night here in my palace. I watched and enjoyed the tennis and then watched the end of 'Training Day'. I saw the beginning around 18 months ago. It ended as I thought it might. I don't need to see the middle. I liked what I saw. I liked the colour of the sunrise and the sunset that the film began and ended with. I liked it a lot. I thought Denzel Washington was very good too.

So... I have been sorting out cd's here and I came accross a song that my ex told me reminded her of me. Ben Folds - The Luckiest. I wanted to feel what she said in my heart but I couldn't ever do it. I think by the time she told me that I'd closed that beautiful, innocent depest part of my heart because I had to. Self preservation. My instincts knew something even though I asked her and she told me what I wanted to hear. I played the song last night and I cried and then got so angry with her. So angry about everything before, eveything when she left me and everything that followed. And then I typed an email. A reasonable, emotional, angry and determined email. I explained my pain, yet again. And I told her that I hated her. I told her that I hated that I still cared for her and still loved who I thought she was when we were together. And I told her that if I could, I would take this stupid heart out of my chest and replace it with another one. One that didn't beat for her. I told her how thoughtless and careless she was with my heart and still is as she tells me how everything she used to want is now in the past and she only wants to be with one person, her girlfriend whom she apparently married a few months ago. Oh, I told her and I told her. And I swore a little too, for good measure. Can I be over eight years in two? Not the way things are going. I suppose it takes as long as it takes and I should expect the eventuality that it is possible that in some way there will always be pain and I'll just become more adept at managing it.

I look forward to the probability of an exciting sexual attraction to a sexy beautiful woman and my ability to respond. Until then I suppose I'll stay home and sort cd's.

The Cricket is on. I think it will be a long day's journey into a draw.

I think the woman next door is smoking the good stuff because she is always burning insense and her daughter is away. That's all I've got to go on but I'm running with it. She seems the type. I should know.

I went for a little drive this morning and picked up a few goodies. A little cd system with radio for my living area. The other one I have is too big and I've moved it in to my office. I got it at a discount. I do love a bargain. I was feeling a but extravagant as I carried it up the stairs (very small and light) and then I realised that I am not an extravagant person at all. I just have my father's penny pinching and boy did he like to keep it all locked up. I am plagued with this I have realised. He just did not want to spend money. I think this is a trait of many millionaires. The wealthiest people are the most miserly. heh Oh well. We never wanted for anything. He looked after us very well. I also realised that it is ok to have a few things to facilitate one's pleasures in life. I love music and film and tv. So I have lots of movies and cd's and I've lately made sure I have the hardware to enjoy them in various rooms of my apartment. Eh... even though I've had some money problems and have a little debt which is close to being finalised, it wasn't through a lot of extravagant purchases. It was phone calls and a holiday I desperately needed but couldn't afford but had anyway and it was also being careless with budgeting when I was living with my ex. My mistakes. I'm paying for them. And luckily, I'm still living well and saving.

The weather is so exciting today from up here in my high perch. It was cloudy and misty but the wind has swept up and away all the clouds and now the sun is fighting to shine. The colour of the water on the bay changes from blue to grey to blue to grey...