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"I won't try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes
This is how I feel
And its so so real
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons
And I don't know why
You'd even try
But I won't lie
You caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming
I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?"
-- Boys like Girls “Hero/Heroine”
Well off work and glad to say that I made a 100$ total today now I have 2 days to make 100+ more. I made a 40tip off of a 20 top, thank heavens. God knew I needed that for sure. My feet are killing me and I’m pretty exhausted, so it def. was well earned money lol.
And I’m sitting here waiting on Russ to call me back, not sure I should be. He called me while I was at work at 930 or so and when I called him back he was getting drunk. Him and the guys he works with had to go down to Kentucky to meet up with some fellow guys working at a college down there. I was not that happy. He could tell. Its not that don’t want him to have fun, I REALLY do want him to enjoy this time and experience in life, but its not like him to drink a lot and it just makes me wonder, what for the next 2 years are you going to spend every weekend with these "buddies" getting smashed? I DO NOT want someone like that, drinking and partying (excessively) is NOT something I want or will allow in my life. I believe as humans we are supposed to continually try to better ourselves, to rise above mediocrity. Drinking and partying and lying out all weekend are NOT doing that.
I don’t know maybe I’m old fashion, or maybe I need to relax but then again I have my reasons to be worried when he drinks. On his birthday this past year, for the first time since I’ve known him, he got EXTREMELY drunk (not that that is an excuse) but anyways well long story short, he slept with another girl. He isn’t the one who told me, I actually found out through his frat brothers. He just told me he 'kissed' another girl. Well we got through it whatever, I don’t bring it up we just moved on but NOW every time he goes out drinking it makes me worry, that what if he finds some other girl, while I’m here 400 miles away.
I don’t want to be a fall back girl I’m to good for that and deserve better. I don’t want to sound conceited but I love HARD and when I’m in a relationship I give it everything I have. I make sure that person has no reason to doubt or not trust me. In this particular relationship I have gone above and BEYOND anything I’ve been willing to do for someone, just to be with him and I feel like I have gotten nothing in return. Its simple things like the fact that he hasn’t told me he misses me once since he's been gone to Indy, or the fact that on facebook (I know this sounds childish) he has added 20 people up there and 15 are girls. It bothers me that he can write on some sorority chicks page that he misses her (and all her ‘sisters’) but he cant tell ME??!! WTF? Its just soo frustrating to love someone so much but feel like I’m not getting anything in return. I’m not a needy person in a relationship, I don’t have to have someone with me all the time, or calling or texting me, I like my space. I don’t need someone who tells me they love me all the time, or that they miss me, but would it kill him to tell me once?
It frustrates me (and is SOO messed up)that the reason I’m such a health freak and that I think that I need to run 3 miles a day and eat healthy is because of a stupid guy, That I think I have to tan and act a certain way is for a guy. That’s NOT me. So why am I letting myself do it? Well because I LOVE him, and I do have to be fair that he is better than he used to be, He doesn’t tell me that I need to work out or eat healthier. But the fact is, that he has.
I don’t know what to do, I’m so lost and confused about it. Just like he called me a minute ago and we made small talk (I’m thinking there is no need to try for intelligent conversation while he's drunk.) and I asked him how long their trip was and he answers "I don’t know" and then he doesn’t say anything so I don’t either and he hangs up well 10mn later when I called him back (I thought maybe he accidentally hung up on me so I gave him a little bit to call back) he says "well you weren’t saying anything and you weren’t listening to anything I said so I said F@$K it and hung up" so I just kind of sat there and we just decided it was best if he called me back tomorrow.
So now I lay here thinking ok so is he going to go sleep with someone tonight? Because he's drunk and now mad at me? And I shouldn’t have to worry about those things. That’s not a relationship. But then I think about the good times and how awesome things are when everything is going good, how we have so much in common and honestly hardly ever argue, I think about how our goals and outlooks are so similar and how we can just be comfortable around each other. Do the good things outweigh the bad?
I don’t know, I DO know this blog is prob. forever long and I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out. Any input would be great even though I’m sure they are all going to say "Leave his sorry A@@" lol But I would appreciate some advice! lol
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Posted by Giget1987 on 2007-06-29 23:50:58 | Rating: | Views: 192
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sorry to hear about your dilemma. i agree with you that we always need to better ourselves. it sounds to me like the two of your might be in different places of the path to bettering yourselves in life. i am not saying anything bad about russ, becuase it sounds to me like he is a normal college aged guy. the thing is, a normal college aged guy usually tends to go through these things. it sounds like you are ready for something more serious, a real long term commitment. i don’t have any advice on what to do, but that is how i see it from a guy who was once college age himself. i eventually grew up and out of that stage, as do most guys. but most of us also go through it too. not everyone though.
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Posted by jason
on 2007-06-30 06:30:04
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From one girl to another: you are soooo right, you DO deserve better! Have you ever tried confronting Russ about your feelings? Have you ever tried telling him you've totally put yourself out there for him by tanning, eating healthier, running 3 miles a day, and putting a lot of time and effort into this relationship? Have you ever told him you think he's not giving enough time and effort back to you? If you haven't, you should and see how he feels about it. And if he says he "doesn't have time" or "doesn't want" to talk about those things, then he probably doesn't want to put forth the time and the effort, as you have. And if that's the case, then you should consider taking a break. However, if you HAVE told him how you bend over backwards for him and you feel he hasn't given you anything in return, then it should already be over. I know this sounds crude, and I'm sure when you guys are together things are great, but you're not together--physically. You're 4oo miles away from each other and lots of things can change and happen with that kind of distance. If you're ever with a guy and he makes you feel like you're not worth what you really are; or he makes you change to be more appealing to him, just walk away from him. You should never change yourself for trivial things, such as appeal, for anyone! :) Good luck with your dilemma. I hope everything works out for you.
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Posted by IsabelleDark
on 2007-06-30 10:47:01
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the first part was sweet.you have a good use of words.well,i cant say anymore,exept that you have a gift.
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Posted by Salina1936
on 2007-06-30 15:10:35
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I AM kind of going thru the same thing myself. but you gotta think. no matter how comfy you feel or no matter how mad you have been, ask your self "OVERALL, AM I HAPPY?" think about the relationship one day at a time. monday- did he make you feel happy or low? tuesday- did he make you smile or cry? wednesday- did he make you laugh or doubt? thursday- did he make you at ease or worried? overall, does he make you happy?
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Posted by iamnotsam
on 2007-08-13 08:52:14
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