Is it too late to start a grass roots write-in campaign to elect Oprah as President? I sure hope not, and I'll tell you why.

No, this is not about race or gender. Hell, we've all got at least one of each of those, so no big deal, right? No, my backing for Oprah comes from someplace much closer to home than philosophical discussions about equality or inequality among the masses. That's going to sort itself out over time anyway, as all races meld into one, big, boring one. Don't worry, when the day finally comes that everyone is real close to the same skin color, I'm sure we'll find some other irrelevant personal physical characteristic to fight over.

I'm getting off track a little bit. Some of you may already be big admirers of Oprah, so an endorsement for her as President may come as no surprise. For me though, if you had asked as little as 24 hours ago about this scenario, I would have laughed in your face.  I can remember a couple of years ago, waking up from a nightmare that Oprah and Bill Gates had partnered up to take over the world. They gained control of our TVs, and then the internet. I woke up in a cold sweat, relieved to find it was only a dream. It still took hours to get my pulse rate back to normal. 

And it got me thinking ... you know, they actually do have the combined wealth and power to pull something like this off. It's really just a matter of them choosing to use their power for evil. I wondered, would they ever do that? Now, Bill is retiring from Microsoft soon, and keeps a pretty low profile. But Oprah, we see her face every day. The effect she has on her studio audience - - they're like zombies, cheering, crying, group-sighs, hoping for keys to a new SUV. She has them totally eating out of her hand. I'm 99% convinced she could issue any command, and they would dutifully rise up out of their seats to carry it out. So I've been wary about her for some time. Well, not anymore. All that has all changed.

When I got home from work yesterday, my wife began telling me about a guest she saw on Oprah that day. Great. Just what I want to hear about when I walk in the door. Or anytime, for that matter. As I have trained myself to do over the years, I internalized the motion of rolling my eyes, while outwardly I feigned interest by raising an eyebrow and mumbling "yeah?". Little did I know how glad I would be about having kept one ear open while hanging up my coat and kicking off my shoes. 

It was a Men's health expert. Don't know who, don't care. My wife ran down a few interesting tidbits she learned about checking for testicular lumps, etc. Then, with a certain look ,she shared what she was clearly saving as the best part. The good doctor (if he was one, again I don't care) said that it is very important for a man's overall health that he have sex at least four times a week. That would be roughly four times more per week than we'd been having it lately, which as recently as only this past weekend had once again been a topic of conversation between us. (Of course, by 'conversation' I mean angry babbling, and by 'us' I mean me and the four walls closing in on me.)

Four times a week! And because it came with Oprahs backing, the idea seemed to have gained my wife's instant and total acceptance. Hallelujah! Better still, she was not content to leave this in the idea stage. The kids were happily playing out back, dinner was ready but could easily be kept warm for another 30 minutes ... ok, 25 ... ok, 21 ... it was time to get me back on the road to good health, starting right now! 

She took my hand and led me up the stairs. My baby-maker instantly stood at complete attention, like an author that had just received news his latest novel was going to be featured on Oprah's book club. I could not stop smiling - - both, because it's heartwarming to be reminded of just how much my wife cares about my health (and she cared a LOT, let me tell you!!), and also, due to the satisfaction of finally knowing that Oprah had decided to use her powers for good, not evil. Reeeaal good, actually. 

So, if it's not too late to win you over, please consider joining me in voting for write-in candidate Oprah Winfrey in the general election this November. If her advisors can come up with a Health Care plan this good, I can only imagine the great things they will accomplish in foreign policy and the economy. Whatever it is, I have full and complete faith in their willingness to make the right decisions for the good of the people. Join me, won't you?

Oprah for President!!