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| Preeeeggggggnnnannncccyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! |
Okay, so sunday, I turned 32 weeks, (friday actually) and it seems like this pregnancy is worse than my first. Everyone keeps telling me its just because the pregnancy of my daughter isn't fresh in my mind. I have never been more excited, but its literally draining me for all I have. I know, its normal to feel excited, then anxious waiting for baby to get here, but I've gotten so nervous that I've actually started aggravating the people around me. I find myself doing things that I know are annoying, but I can't help myself. Today, I found myself snapping at Zaria, because she wanted to watch the Bernstein Bears before she went to sleep. A 15 minute program and I was complaining because I wanted the tv off. Then, I called myself getting an attitude because Ziven (my husband) had left out and not made it home yet. He left at 8, it was 9 when I noticed he wasn't home. I'm going crazy. I feel like I have no one, because none of my friends are pregnant, and the ones that were recently, I don't talk to enough. I felt horrible, because the only person I could even crown my daughters god-mother is someone I haven't seen in almost 2 years because she's the only one who calls or texts everyday to make sure me and the kids are alright. I know I've been extra annoying these past couple of weeks, and I'm trying to lay off everybody, but when its like I have to friends who give damn, or basically all of them have their own lives, all I have is my family.
I get pissed because I didn't shut anyone out when I had my daughter. I still called people and was a good mother. I never ignored any of my friends, and no one can say I did. But i'm starting to feel like the people who I hung around after Zaria was born used me in some kinda way. Whether it was money, a ride somewhere, needing someone to talk to, or anything of the sort. I was there. Now, when I've been unemployed since June, I got evicted in August, I rarely hear from those same people. The people who I loaned money to, the people who stayed with me when they had no where else to go (and has the nerve to have a 3 bedroom house all to herself), the people I partied with. Smoked and drank with on a regular. Then there are the people who swore they had my back. "I'm hear if you ever need anything!" If that wasn't the biggest load of crap ever. I mean, Nobody has been there. Not one of them. Not even my bestfriend of 7 years is coming to my baby shower. I planned my shower 3 months ago, her brothers girl planned hers a week ago, and guess who gets the cold shoulder? me! It hurt, I have to admit. I can understand the need for my husband to be gone all the time, he's tired of me, what can I say? I can't blame him, he's had to be the best friend, and thats not his place. I get jealous because he can party hard, and hang out and drink and smoke, and I'm just pregnant. I'm tired sitting here now and its only 12:47a.m. Its just so much different now. With Zaria, I didn't do much besides go to school anyway, now I'm trying to do so much and I just can't. I feel like shit!
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