Sitting in this almost boiling apartment about to break a sweat, I search for a place to unload these thoughts swirling endlessly through my mind. As I type this I am imagining the day when an apartment like this one with it's wood floors, high ceilings, and great location in Coral Gables just a stone throw away from Miracle Mile will have my name as the renter instead of a visitor. But as it stands here and now on this beautiful November day I am simply enjoying the fruits of my labor having a boyfriend who knows how to pick a killer apartment in a desirable location. Obviously if he was here at the moment I would be requested to close the laptop and direct 100% of my attention to the neediness person I have ever dated. Yet on the bright side, I received the key to his place hardly a month after agreeing to try this, our relationship, out. Currently being four months deep into this odd relationship the key to his place is hardly the most shocking thing he has offered so quickly, his heart is mine. I don't trust myself with a Pisces's heart, so emotional, untrusting, offering nothing than the best and the unconditional love he has is mind blogging. If nothing else I will certainly learn from him with a Gemini's tailored twist at the end of whatever he has passed onto me. I know I should not light the cigarette teasing me from the glass table, not really the fact that I shouldn't smoke I am beyond the point of giving myself the delusion that I am going to quit, really the fact I should not smoke in his apartment. A fluttering yet bold "Fuck It" is scrolling through my mind and just like that the window is open and I am in bliss, killing my lungs, slowly sucking in the toxic flumes which ease my nervous nature. Note to self get more cigarettes only one left. I wonder when he will be arriving, I need to light an incense before he appears with that disapproving glare that I am going to damage his precious PS3 if I smoke indoors. I stick to my original justification what he doesn't know can't hurt or annoy him. Although I should be more thoughtful I mean after all he is going to drive out of his way after work to pick me up my fix of ..... Humm I don't know if I can actually publish this if I put the word I want to... this "Fuck it" word seriously needs to stop its bombardment on my thoughts. I'll meet myself in the middle, compromising is best anyway right? Sticky icky green stuff with it's purple hue which is abundant in South Florida. While addiction is such a harsh word, honestly it is not the right one for this situation. Cigarettes definitely are addictive and I am a victim of that one, but sticky green stuff doesn't even faze me if there is a drought in the neighborhood. It is just not addictive regardless of what people have said or believe they know, it is not. Mainly because it does not screw around with important chemicals inside the human body if anything it is good for a person when using with a vaporizer to avoid lung cancer. Anywho, I am just sitting here waiting drinking my Red Stripe (Yes i'm legal) and wishing to smoke another cigarette although i'll wait cause it means if I want another after the one i am dreaming about I have to either walk or drive to get one and the effort of doing that just kills the desire.

The task of writing about the last two weeks seems so huge I don't even want to begin, good juicy stories I must admit yet my mind just does not want to back track on things I have already analyzed. Yet it is important to add for the understanding of the way things are to a reader who might happen upon this. Humm decisions, decisions. I guess a summary is always best when the whole story is too lengthy.

Summary---

My good friend K who I am perfect for personality wise ended his five month relationship with another good friend of mine J. J is flipping out wondering why it ended outta the blue and turning slightly into a psycho with her broken heart driving her insanity. I am trying my best to be there for her yet at the same time I agree with K and his time unavailablity the main reason things have to be the way they are. Interesting situation I find myself in this one.

My best friend A has been dating this guy L for two years now... they are both crazy as hell, jealous, and controling they definitely are a match made in hell. Their story is way too long to even begin. I have known A for more than a decade and L for three years. Yes I am guilty of hooking the two up..shame on me. L was the one who sold me my first motorcycle and A discovered him when she was supposed to be checking out my cool new bike. A year later L calls me while I was living up north to ask for A's number after stating my disclaimer about her love'm and leave'm ways I disclosed the number and bam the rest is history. Their truck which we usually take mudding in the everglades was stolen yesturday and their marriage plans is on the rocks since L made a scene at a club because he didn't want to dance and she did. He left her there telling her to blow her way home and yes both of them are overly dramatic in this way. Oh and they live together in a townhouse which me and A had a great time picking out before he was in the picture...hehe how could I almost forget the weirdest part about these two A is 22 (she is a year older than me) and L is 36. Age isn't a factor some of you would say but I beg to disagree when she still needs to party and he wants to be a home body. How they are still together after all the drama...guns and all is a massive puzzle even to me and I know her better than she knows herself and visa versa. So that's them.

And of course my boyfriend who I told this week I am still in love with my ex even after almost two years of not being together, and I truly still hope and wish one day we will end up together again. He took it all so calmly and with an air about him like he already knew the whole story nothing shocking in anything I was disclosing. Apparently we are still together... the weirdest thing I have ever experienced he still wanted to be with me after all of the really screwed up things I told him.. I thought I was going to be kicked out of his apartment with singlehood the main thought while traveling the 20miles home. Seems the only one shocked that night was me to find my boyfriend undeniably reasonable, understanding, and still offering his unconditional love regardless if I was capable of doing the same. It fills me with love for him just not the type that I wish I could.

I'll fill in the gaps later about my ex and that three year relationship answering one question which I would imagine popping in a reader's mind...Why are we not together? He lives up north and I live in sunny paradise, there are other reasons but that is definitely why I am sitting here in my boyfriend's apartment instead of in his arms.

For now this is all I have the energy to tell much more. Until next time.