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So... I had a very odd dream last night.
The first thing I remember was Riley, at school. He asked me if I wanted to come over, and I said I didn't feel like going all the way up to his house. [because he lives out of town, kinda.] And then I had this black friend (I don't actually have any black friends, no offence to black people, but there are just not many around here.) and this friend was gay, and he lived with his brother or cousin or something, who was also gay. My friend asked me over and I said yes, and he told me I had to dress as a man, because his cousin/brother whatever hated women. So I dressed up. Then we went in the pool at his house. Everything was going fine, and then I leaned over the edge of the pool for something, and the cousin noticed I had boobs, and got mad. Then I think I woke up for a little bit.
When I was back, I was at my aunt and uncles house, except, it was out near where Riley lives, when in real life, its on the other side of town. All my family was there, and I was explaining what happened, and my aunt Yvonne told me to MSN my black friend, but I didn't have his addy, and nana told her I MSNed at Pam when we weren't talking, and they all started talking. Then Riley walked in. He saw me and got really upset because I didn't want to come over, but I went to the black guys house, and my aunt and uncles, and he stormed out.
Before I could go after him, the black cousin guy busted in the back door, yelling at me for being at his house, so I started yelling back, and pushed him out of the house, and across the yard, and he didn't fight back, though he looked really scary, and I was afraid he was going to punch me. He ran across the street to his truck, and I yelled at him that "That's right, you fucking faggot, run." and he left. I remember thinking as soon as I said it, "Fuck, I hope Riley's gone." But I turned the corner of the house, and he was standing there, beside this tree, and I knew he'd heard. I went over and said hi, and he started sobbing a bit. He asked me if that's really what I thought, and I told him that that guy was different, but he argued, asking how I could think one gay guy was so different, and how one was a faggot and one wasn't. I hugged him and held him because he kept trying to walk away, and I was trying to explain that the other guy was a freak, but he wouldn't hear it. He left, and I just remember worrying about what he was going to do, if he would hurt himself, and I woke up.
I have had a couple of these dreams now. Three. One, I think I wrote about, where his cousin Grant found out. I was afraid he'd hurt himself then, too. And another, where we were at a pool, and this guy, Jaydd (I think his name is) a guy Riley used to like, was there, and Riley was watching him, and I got pissed. Told him to get fucked up the butt, and talk to me if he's not gay. I didn't mean it, like, I would never even think something like that in real life, you know? And I felt so bad, in the dream, afterwards. Idk what is wrong. I think I'm just worried, you know? Like, He seems so sad all the time, and I'm worried he might do something if I set him off. Like, hurt himself. And I try to be careful of what I say and do around him, but I grew up calling people gay, homo or fag as an insult. I know that's not right, but I got taught by my friends when I was like, six, and it stuck. I never meant harm against gay people, I mean, Riley is kind of gay, mostly, and I have had other gay friends. Its just a term. So its hard not to say it around him. I've slipped up a few times, told him to stop being a fag, or that he's a homo, but I didn't mean it in a bad way...
It's hard to explain, so I'm going to stop trying.
With everything that's been going on, with the shifting in his moods and feelings, and thoughts... its taking a toll on me, I think.
I love him so much, and I really don't want to break up with him, but he's so damn confusing. He likes sex, but he doesn't. Everytime we've had sex, he's been the one to suggest it. Like... it's not just a suggestion, he insists. I'm not calling rape or anything, I just get nervous, his parents will be around or I'm afraid someone will come in or whatever, but he assures me it'll be fine, and persuades me into doing it. I mean... that kind of says, to me, that he likes it. Then just, out of no where, he stopped hanging with me, stopped messaging, whatever. Wouldn't hold my hand, wouldn't even kiss me. Most of that is over. He still won't come to my house though. He always wants me over there. And we haven't kissed in... two weeks? Over that, I think. I don't know what's happening. Sometimes, I think he's just fucking with me. I mean, I hope he wouldn't, but you can't trust anyone, because everyone is looking out for themselves. If this is entertaining to him, then... whatever...
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Posted by FuckTheWorld on 2009-05-15 12:53:35 | Rating: | Views: 51
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