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35.

... I don't know what to think...
I think he loves me a little when he's high. He cuddles me more, he is more... caring. I think when he's sober, he seems afraid to cuddle and such. Like, he's afraid it'll get too serious, and we'll end up messing up again. Like I'm going to rape him or something. It hurts. Even if we're not having sex, or kissing or anything, I still would like some affection. I got that when we were just friends, FCS.
I dunno. I love him so freaking much. Ugh.

Today, in the car when we were driving him home, a truck came at us pretty fast. I was scared for a second that it was gonna hit us. Then I started to think about if it had. Who would I go to to comfort? Mom, or Riley? And then I thought, I wouldn't go to either. I'd probably be dead. I don't know why, it just, popped into my head. I've been thinking alot about death lately. Well, about dying. Like... would it be so bad? In a Philosophical way, I'd like to know if there is an afterlife, and I have no patience what so ever. But... really... for my family and friends, would it damage their lives so much?
Sure, they'd be sad a while, but they'd get over it. Move on to do better things. Jim would probably straighten out a bit, help mom more. Maybe she'd start hanging out with others more, becoming more social, if my lame-ass wasn't around to slow her down. Maybe mom and dad would stop fighting. Maybe Aliesha would get a little more thoughtful. I could be out of Riley's way, finally. Because I can't bring myself to let him go, and I'm sure he wants me out of the freaking way, he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He could find a boyfriend, be happy with someone who loves him who he loves back. Get on with his life, not have to be held in this stupid relationship out of pity any longer.

Idk. I just think everyone would be better off.

I am really afraid to do anything to myself, and I don't think I would. I couldn't deal with, if I didn't... finish it, and my family had to come see me... idk.
I'm too chicken to do it.
But, you know, if an accident should happen, I don't think I'd complain if they wanted to pull the plug.