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| 34. |
Okay... so my worst fear has come true. This is over a week late, but whatever. So, Riley and I got back together in the last few days of February. Everything was fine, normal... like, we were taking it slow. Then, all of a sudden, after he went to Edmonton, we got, like serious. We made out, he asked me if I wanted to have sex, he told me he loved me. Then last friday, we were kissing, and you know, it was the best feeling in the world, I felt loved and appreciated and just, amazing. I've never heard of sex ruining "the mood" before. We decided to. It was enough to say I lost my virginity, but not more. And I mean, I can't expect much of my first time, expecially when it's both of our first times, but he just stopped. And I knew that night it wasn't right. The next couple days he just blew me off, didn't really want to hang out. Then he wanted to dump me. Having sex, or whatever we did, he didn't like it. At least not wih a girl. So, again, just like the first time we dated, I ran straight into a brick wall. Like... I had my guard up before. I knew it might not work out again, but when he told me he loves me, and he kissed me, Idk, I just felt like I didn't need to worry so much anymore. He warned me, told me he wasn't sure, but still, I just fell right into it. So I wasn't prepared when he just... didn't love me anymore. Now I'm not sure what to do with myself. We're still together, but it's supposed to be like it was last summer. And it's fine with me, I realize he isn't comfortable with more than just holding hands and small kisses, but knowing he doesn't really love me just puts me at a loss. I don't know what I want. I love him more than I could possibly describe, and I know I'm young, but I'm not stupid, I know what I feel and think. When I think about the fact that he doesn't love me, I feel like... an experiment. Like he told me that so he could find out. I know it's probably not true, but it just feels like that. I want to be with him more than anything, but I can't pretend anymore. I can't keep living in this bubble. He's broken up with me twice, tried once more. He just doesn't want me, and I want to make him happy, but I just want this to keep going. I'm scared. I don't want to be alone, because if I can't be with him, the one person who knows everything about me, understands me more than anyone else, inclusing my mother and my sister, then who can I be with? Who would want me?
I'm going to wait a little longer. If it doesn't get better by May, I'll end it. I don't want to, but what is the point of lying to myself?
I hope I feel better soon. Oh, gosh, I'm sitting here, crying like an idiot. I'm just over emotional right now. TOTM. I'm going for a walk.
Oh, yeah, and I told my mom I lost it... she was so great about it. I love my mom.
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Posted by FuckTheWorld on 2009-04-13 13:32:54 | Rating: | Views: 52
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