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i'm going on, and i'm not afraid to it alone- gnar

i sit here steeped in my anxiety and fears and listen to gnarls barkely speak to my sould. danger mouse and cee-lo are my new jesus for the moment and i embrace thier second coming as if i were a lost lamb. i sit here and think about how i slipped and had sex with him a couple days ago for the first time in weeks. about how i wish he were here inside of me right now. i need sex, not him. him im removed from now. i see now so clearly as if the lord cee-loo and mary danger mouse have given me new eyes. i see now as if i dont have any hang-ups or baggage like Jennifer Lopez on vacation. i need me. i need my future, to be here, determined, whatever it may be. as the days tick on i am half confident half doubtful within myself. i am doing what i can how i can. i need someone to reach out to me, just to be here for me. with me, for me. i need that platonic soulmate that ive never had. i do need jesus. i feel as if every beat of this new album, the odd couple, is a kiss. a lick. a stroke, of him, inside me. his breath in my ear. the first time i made him triumphantly say "jesus christ" in a fury. the last time he said "this is the best ive ever had". all the times weve had that will be no more. "suprise" by gnarls barkley. orgasmic. his lips... "i couldve fallen in love a thousand times before only if someone had known me"..the way he yelled the last time he came. the way i had told him i had missed his dick. the time he pulled it out and the condom was soaked with me and he smiled at his work. all the other women i know he holds over bc they wouldnt have had sex with him like i had. i am the whore in the madona-whore complex he carries. ive deleted his number today. i deleted the last text he sent me without anwering me... "dont be suprised, oh lord dont be suprised". i want to be strong enough to kick him and better enough to find someone else. to, i dont even know what "to".