the dream. sigh. here goes: i walk into a deli and find my legit boyfriend (white, pudgy, yucky in general) and then Cu. Somehow in the dream- i know for a fact that i'm with both of them, i dont know if that means fucking, something i would never do in real life, but its a possibility. and both of them are kissing different women. i go up to both of them and am mad and angry and feel just shitted on that they are doing this to me, but i quickly say "fuck it" to Cu, but with the my legit/gross bf im really fucking pissed and he isnt even coming up for air long enough to acknowledge my presence. im pretty much getting played. in the light of the morning i wonder how right i am in the feeling played when i was in fact playing both of them. i just felt gross and sad when i woke up.

why would i be having such a dream you might ask? bc i fucked him. you cant even pretend to be suprised knowing my weakness for wanting to kick myself in the head when im down. yup. he followed instructions and didnt bring condoms but i had a magnum here from lord knows when and we used it. it was amazing. like we made love. god, what have i done? i dont even know why i pretend to be strong and shit when i just fucking it up. it was sooo good though. god was it good. and he spent the night, i joked in my head his mommy must be out of town lol. he asked me if he could spend the night tonight, i said whatever. i cant even bullshit myself. i just feel the intimacy, cuddling with him, like he was mine. part of me thinks he just doesnt think im good enough, but a huge part of me thinks its a money issue. i get im a bit of a high flyer and he does spend a lot of nights in and this morning he was saying how he's broke, and i get it. but then i feel if that was the one thing holding us back he would have said something since that wouldnt have been a deal breaker for me. even though god knows it should be bc he's too old not to have his shit together and to still be living home.

but who gives a shit bc he just text me he's not coming over. more rejection! yay, how i treasure it.  now that i'm thoroughly pissed off and decided im just going to go out tomorrow night, im probably just going to go down to the gym and work my ass off. i hate him right now, for making us just sex. i hate me right now for letting him.