so my plan is going accordingly until he says he may stop by and meet my mom when she comes for the holiday. Whaaaaat?????? ok, relax. he isnt being serious and we both know this, he think itll be casual. no, forget it, its a joke. quite clearly. we are just sex and my coniving mother does not need to meet him nor does he actually WANT to meet her. more sugar for my ears is all. so with this done, i can continue to dedicate myself to being 4.0 and 135 (get it, whatever). ive made a commitment to myself not to eat junk food and to be as healthy as possible and keep up with my 8 week workout sessions. when may is over and the rest of my life can continue i will cut myself off from C completely (or rather just the tiny part thats attached to him) and start looking for what i actually WANT in a man and not so much need. i want a relationship, intamacy, sophisticaion, i dont know.... his own apartment lol. that was mean, i know. but really i just need to focus on what deserves to be focused on and not the bullshit in life. i shouldnt say that, hes not bullshit per say. hes just games... games i dont want to play nor need. from day 1 i tried to deny that we were just physical and could be more but im done letting myself hurt my feelings by pretending. i wish i had enough in me to just stop seeing him now,  but part of me does wonder how long he can continue this cherade. how long can the 2 elephants in the room be ignored? part of me feels until he moves on with another girl he feels worthy of being in a relationship with and im kind of just waiting to feel that rejection and pain. a small sick part of me wants that to happen. to say 'i told you so' to myself like ive done a million times with M. as blatantly obvious as the way out of it would be, i cant do it. i just cant. i need therapy, and fast! but then another part of me wants to know what will happen if say we get to may, what will we be.  i know hes really juvenile and what not, but he cant be serious with us. what am i supposed to do. what if instead of us hooking up tomorrow (exactly what it will be, nothing more and nothing less) and im sure sunday wont happen... when he comes over i just say im not in the mood? he'll leave. ask why i didnt say something sooner. or what if when i talk to him tomorrow i just say i dont feel like it. no other guy bs, just the truth. i know he wont come over anyways. and then ill say... what will i say?