For the last week everything in my life seems to have come down on me like a tone of bricks.  Right now I just feel like I wish as though I could be numb.  Ever just wanted to disapere for awhile.  Not have to deal with all of the troubles of life.  This weekend my kids were with there grandpa.  I tried to just sit back and relax, not deal with all of the problems that I have coming my way.  Yeah that didnt happen.  I just almost feel like im being spun around no matter what I do I cant stop. 
Alot has happend with me in my life in the last year and a half.  And I am starting to wonder when are things going to start going right again.  Back in November of 06 I was raped by someone I thought was a friend.  That is probably the worse thing that has ever happend to me in my life.  I have tried to start over with, to start trying to live my life again.  No matter how hard I try I cant.  The nightmares, the way I feel now about myself, the way I look at myself in the mirror.  its like I look at myself and I hate what I see.  I am just not happy anymore.  And I take it out on everyone around me.  My boyfriend god he dont deserve the way I talk to him, the way I doubt everything.  My kids some days I cant even find the time for me to get out of bed to take them to the park anymore.  Doctors yeah they dont help.  All they want to do is put more and more meds into me.  I cant stand the meds, the way the make me feel.  Then for the nightmares,  god they seem so real.  I can still smell him.  I dont remember everything that happend that night.  Doctors dont know if he knocked me out or if I blacked out.  When I came to it was 2 hrs later and he was telling me to get dressed.  I couldnt even fight back.  My kids were in the other room sleeping.. If i would have screamed my daughter who was 5 would have gotten up to see what was happening to me.  I didnt want her to see that.  Everything was taken from me that night.  My pride, my selfesteem, everything.  My boyfriend.... He sits up on the phone sometimes all night long just to wake me when i start having my nightmares.   Last night he wasnt on the phone.  I dreamed about what happend.... I dreamed about things I dont even no if they really did happen or if I am starting to remember more things then I care to.  The dreams have gotten to the point to where I draw blood in the palms of my hands from my nails.  How can a person take something from someone else without of thinking about the aftermath.  I ended up getting pregnant.  I did something I swore to myself I would never do.  I had a abortion.  I just didnt see how I could have a child that came from him, from that situation. From what he did to me... And I hate myself for it.  I killed a innocient life because of my selfish ways.  Like I said last night I started remembering things that he did to me.  It was like I was there again.  The smells the feelings, the pain from my rib being brused.  Everything.  I am starting to think it is never going to go away that no matter what I do its going to be there haunting me around ever corner. I just dont know what to do anymore.