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I guess you can say that I'm waking up. I know i'm unhappy with myself. And I know that there's no way you should be able to love someone if you dont love yourself. first. I know all of that. BUt it's complicated in so many ways. It's like i know all of that but I still continue. I used to be happy not knowing anything. I used to be the angel. As for now. I know how i got to where I am. I just don't know why. I've done things i said that I would never do and I've turned into someone I thought I never would. But the hardest part is turning back. Why is it soo hard to go back to the person ( angel) I was? Simple, because i don't want to. I don't want to not know. But that all comes with a cost. I have problems i will admit that. And I was working on them. But that's when I had someone right here to help. Now, My friendships, ( the ones i kept close enough) are dead ends. Not because i don't know them but because I do. Most of them have ended in silence because they were bringing me down. But the ones that weren't are starting to. I used to sit and think alone and love that. Now, if i'm alone for too long i go nuts and stop talking and when i do I get scared at the sound of my own voice. Pain is never written on my face until i'm alone. Where i live,if you show signs of pain then here comes the fucking rescue team with all kinds of drugs and remedies. I fell victim to that once. And I refuse to fall again. That's what happened. I fell. I fell in the drinking and the drugs and all the partying and my life seemed to slip away along with my problems. Now I'm facing reality. I'm facing myself. Alone. I was once a very independent person. And you'll see that when something like school or work is taking up my time. But when I'm alone then here comes the bitching and the whining and the emptiness. You've all said it. You all can see it without really knowing me. I didn't know it was that obvious to strangers. But I have problems with myself. I know I do. I"m not the one to run on and on about some guy and how much i need him because I didn't once before. I preferred myself. But that got fucked up with my life. Now it's like I'm trying to walk again. He came into play on a very bad time in my life. So he kinda became my crutch. And now that he's going to be gone for 6 months to a year. ( He's not in jail. I wouldn't bother if he was) I have to learn to walk (fly) on my own. But it feels like I still have a broken leg(wing). Someone in my age group shouldn't be talking like this. Shouldn't be thinking like this. Someone my age should be wondering about what dress will I wear to senior prom. Who's crushing on who. Will our team win the Football state chapionships? Stuff like that. BUt I don't have that way of thinking. i never did. Maybe it was because my first few years of life i was the only child in my family that didn't have both of their parents. Maybe it was because I didn't really "know" my mother till i was eight. Maybe it's just me and all thoes factors that I just named have nothing to do with it. I hate to display pain in my writtings. But I write what I feel. Why am i feeling it now? I was just the happiest little ball of fun last thursday so why pain now? Oh DUH!!! The mood swings.. Not only do i have self issues but i have mood swings. And it's worse when it's that "time". So bear with me. I try my best. Bringing smiles to other's faces is what i'm all about. I'm an expert at that. but a smile to my own face. is a tad bit more painstakenly hard. Once i get half way there the mood swings kick in. I'm not trying to blame it on anything but myself and I know that. But how can someone have so many problems going on and NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO!. Maybe i keep my distance from people to avoid having any more problems. I'm not anti-social. Just for the summer.
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"in the representation of the Ancient of Days coming to judgment with the Son of man."
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Posted by Higherlevelink
on 2008-07-10 15:08:56
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My history isn't at all happy like yours. I smile to, despite the pain that thrives on the inside. The difference between you and me is I was saved. My blogs explain myself and a little bit of my history. I write them because they are crucial information of some of the hard times I've experienced. Don't worry the Fallen always rise and sometimes even higher then expected.
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Posted by Jose007
on 2008-07-10 20:17:51
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| Views: 54
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