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Using this site as a theraputic outlet is still nerve racking even though no one knows who I am.
I always have a hard time about this time of the year. In fact I usually end up in the psych ward of some hospital. I have bi polar.
I lost my father in December of 2004. He went down pretty fast. I miss him alot around my birthday which is in early April. I tried to kill myself 3 years ago and then again 2 years ago. I decided the first time I did it that I wanted to be with him. I swallowed a bunch of pills which turned out to be easier than I thought. I was home alone. I laid on my bed & I kept getting pictures of my mother in my head so I called 911. Second time she called 911 and had them come and get me. She was so upset with me she never came to see me in the hospital or anything. I think I almost destroyed her. I can't pretend to know the damage I did to her.
This year I am trying to concentrate on other things then the fact my dad won't be here for my birthday. I guess it's hurting less. It's still really hard.
My mom took my suicide attempts as meaning I was choosing one parent over the other. It was nothing like that. I just wanted my dad back. I hear voices in my head sometimes that tell me to do bad things like nothing is ever going to be any different. Things like that. I'm lucky my mom heard me & paid attention on my second attempt. I think I almost died that time. I must have been hugging my father's ashes because I remember coming home from the hospital and finding them on my bed.
TO MY MOM:
I'm sorry for everything I put you through when I was so screwed up.
Please forgive me. |
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Posted by Faith on 2008-03-29 14:15:00 | Rating: | Views: 124
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I'm glad you're still here with us! It's hard to lose someone you love. You may never get over it, but you can get through it. Hold on to the people you still have that love you so much and would miss you terribly if you were gone. For your birthday, I wish you peace of mind and peace of heart.
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Posted by penguin
on 2008-03-29 14:48:35
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I don't know if I can say anything better than what penguin said. It was wonderful.
I'm sure your mom doesn't even have to forgive you. I'm sure she loves you very much. And is thankful everyday that you are here to be with her.
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Posted by Fancie
on 2008-03-29 15:17:36
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Oh dear faith.
I am glad you are here.
Our day will all come when we leave this earth.
Things always look better after some sleep and food..or a relaxing stay at the hospital.
Hang on..you are here for a reason.
I am happy to see you past those suicidal feelings.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-03-31 00:11:36
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faith, your name says it all...have faith that things will someday be better for you, you can still talk to your dad in your prayers. As far as your mother goes, she loves you, you can be sure of that! How could a mother not love her child, no matter what!
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Posted by roe
on 2008-04-08 23:14:22
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