In about a month I am turning 39.  This seems so unreal to me.  I never thought I'd make it to 30.  Of course the way I was living at that time, I wouldn't have if I hadn't made some changes.  I am lucky to have made this far.  It just feels weird.  I look really young for my age.  I still get carded for cigerettes. I think I have an old soul though.  I lost my dad 3 years ago this past December.  This is my 4th birthday without him.  I always have a hard time at this time of year.  I usually end up in the hospital (the mental ward).  The 1st 2 yrs I tried to kill myself by swallowing 2 of my perscriptions.  I wanted to be with my dad.  Someone told me that was a hell of a way to do it.  They were right.  Last year I was just so depressed and felt I had nothing to live for my psychiatrist decided I needed to be put in for a medication adjustment.  This year I am hoping to stay out of the hospital.  I am distracting myself by trying to update my look.  This morning though I had this overwhelming feeling of missing him.  I don't rate one parent over the other.  My mom thinks I do sometimes.  I guess that's only natural.  I just miss him so much and sometimes it's harder to deal with than others.  I just hope this year it gets easier.